B-movie actress Pamela Sutch brings to the screen the likes of which that have never been seen before. Well, that's not entirely true but she has made a flick called The Gosh Darned Mortgage that is probably one of the oddest indie flicks that I've ever seen. Please, allow me to set the scene for those who may be scratching their heads in confusion at this very moment. The film is said to be (and I quote) "A comedy written in the style of the old 1920 melodramas" ... OK. Basically what that means here is that there is lots of rope, multiple scenes of "women in peril" and dialogue that sounds like a cross between Shakespeare and some kind of mumbling drunken talk. Sound like a good way to spend a Sunday afternoon?

It would seem as if poor Constance (played by writer, director, producer and star Pamela Sutch) is having trouble paying that gosh darned mortgage (get it?). Playing the part of the loan officer is Solomon Snakebite, a not so kind gent who wants either the mortgage payment or to get in Constance's panties (it seems that either will do and I can't say that I blame him). When Soloman gets wind of the fact that Constance has inherited $500,000 he enlists the aid of his sister Sinestra and his comical sidekick Groggins to outsmart Constance out of her fortune. Luckily Constance has Rock Manly on her side to repeatedly save her from certain doom (and why shouldn't he?). Of course Rock and Constance are also madly in love with one another yet ignorant to the fact that they each feel this way (ahh sweet delicious irony!).

Through a series of almost comical misadventures Constance is repeatedly kidnapped and placed in some sort of life threatening situation, only to be repeatedly saved (time and time and time again) by Rock. Constance is nearly blown up, sawed in half and run over by what appears to be half a trolley (s'posed to be a train). Did I mention the belly dancing bellhop? Yeah, we got one of those here too. It's also worth mentioning that nearly every time Constance is laid down and tied up, her dress is hiked up to just above her panities. I'm still not quite sure why this was necessary. Now, i'm not complaining mind you (not in the least), just curious.

Ya gotta give Pamela Sutch credit, she wanted to try something different, and that she did. While the flick is filled with requisite amounts of bared boobies (each of the gals here take off their tops at one point or another) there's really nothing else too familiar to be found within...by way of indie exploitation that is. While the nudity is never really necessary to the story, I guess they felt the need to inject some kind of exploitation elements for the raincoat crowd. This is not your typical indie exploitation flick and in that respect, a pretty big gamble for Pamela and crew. Major props for making the flick that they wanted to.

This Gosh Darned Mortgage tries really hard to stick with the feel of the time period it's emulating and while there really aren't any laugh out loud elements, I did find myself smirking in approval during a few scenes. Sure they say stuff like "curses" and "dastardly" while a chick whips off her top and it's kinda clever the first time around. Unfortunately the running back and forth to save Constance can get a bit tiresome and at just over an hour, I have to wonder if the film is still just a bit too long.

Shot on video, the film looks OK for what it's worth. There were some obvious mike problems so audio is a bit inconsistent. I may be wrong, but the flick looks like it went through some sort of film-look process as well (which just makes it look like it was slowed down a bit, I think they take frames out for this process). There is a pretty cool technique used as well in which a character will turn to the camera and expose their inner thoughts for a few seconds. When this happens, the picture switches to what looks like a scratchy black and white print. I couldn't halp but think that the entire film should have been put through this process.

The shining light at the end of the tunnel here would have to be Michael Grieco as Groggins, Snakebite's constantly beat upon sidekick. I dug his shtick the most and I really felt he possessed the true comic timing necessary to pull off the scenes he was involved in. Snake and Groggins had a great rapport on screen, which made it all the more worthwhile. We'll be looking for their spin-off flick anytime soon. Be sure to visit Siren Tales by clicking here!