Jason X is the tenth film in the venerable Friday the 13th series of slasher movies. It's been nearly ten years since the last installment, which is just enough time for long-time fans to forget the unremarkable last chapter. Starring hot Jessica Alba look-alike Lexa Doig, the film starts out strong but ultimately succumbs to its unfathomable refusal to give us what we really want. With a tagline like "Evil gets an upgrade", how could you go wrong? Very easily, it would appear.

Beginning in the not-so-distant future, Jason Vorhees is in captivity and destined for cryogenic storage. Some no-name military bigwigs decide to take control of the project from Rowan (the incredibly delicious Lexa Doig), deeming Jason too valuable to science to simply file way. I see where this is going! The bigwigs (who I like to call Target Practice Squad #1) end up killed to death rather quickly, and Jason sets his sights on Rowan. Who can blame him!? She lures him into the freezing chamber, and begins the freezing process. Success! Starwipe, roll end credits, and we're outta here! Phew!

But wait, she predictably lets her guard down, and Jason stabs her through the wall of the chamber with his machete of doom. She bleeds a little, laments her fate, and then everything gets frozen. Flash-forward to the distant future (the year 2455), and some space guys stumble upon the perfectly preserved bodies of Jason and Rowan. They're taken back to the ship, and Rowan is sexily revived using technology. Once on the space cruiser (which looks like a shuttle cock, of all things), the film evolves into a battle for survival, as Jason surprisingly comes back to life and proceeds to stalk and kill just about everyone. The body count starts out promising enough, as sexy chick #2 gets her head shoved into a bath of liquid nitrogen, then smashed on a desk into frozen, bloody pieces. You go, Jason! *high five*

Unfortunately, the film never lives up to that standard in the kill department the rest of the way, leaving us wanting so much more. The director seemed content with using mid-budget computer-generated space ships and explosions instead of physical gore effects, and the results suck ass. We didn't come to see a lame Star Trek rerun, we came to see scantily-clad chicks get hacked to pieces. TO PIECES! There are some pseudo-tense stalking sequences, where Jason silently (and lamely) kills off members of a commando squad without anyone knowing. This type of approach doesn't work in a film like Jason X, as we already know that everyone is going to die. I wanted to see messy, violent and creative kill scenes, but instead I'm forced to watch Jason smack a guy's head up against a wall. Lame! Honestly, the only thing that kept me entertained was Jessica Alba... or was it Lexa Doig? I forget.

What's even more amazing to me is how many Hollywood look-alikes Jason X boasts: Jessica Alba, Matthew Perry, Alysson Hannigan, Denis Franz, Gina Lee Nolin, Dennis Quaid, Dustin Diamond... and it goes on like this! This second-tier talent isn't all that bad, actually, and their performances are all pretty tolerable. It's still fun to see them get killed, and thankfully, Rowan is spared for most of the film. There are some sorta-funny lines tossed in here and there, including the now infamous "He just wanted his machete back!". Oh, I get it. But the inexplicable lack of gore and nudity (hey, I know what I like) leaves a hollow feeling that ultimately dooms the film. The movie had promise, but it falls short of even my low expectations.

Not even the searing-hot mega-babe Lexa Doig can save this misguided film from the dreaded thumbs down. Evil got its upgrade all right, but it still sucks. (On a side note, it's good to see Apple Computer alive and kicking in the year 2455 making Macs.)

Thumbs Down.

*Roll end credits, cue theme song*

Jason X... He's the best!
He'll slash and hack... watch your back!

He's on the case... in outer space!
You'll laugh a lot... these chicks are hot!

We want some gore... please give us more!
This cost eight bucks... it really sucks!

Thumbs down.