"I woke up...and a mummy had its mouth on my asshole!"

That's the kind of line that some of us dream about. The rarest of gems that sadly, too few moviegoers can truly appreciate. It's the kind of line that deserves to be slapped on a "coming soon" poster. It should be in the trailer. It should scream out at you from a giant billboard while you crawl through traffic on your daily commute.

But no.

In order to experience the beauty of such a line, you actually have to go to the theater with your fingers crossed, thinking maybe...just maybe...this'll be one of the good ones. You have to take the gamble. Well, it's my job to convince you to take that gamble. And convince you I shall.

Bubba Ho-Tep is unlike anything you've seen in a very long time - if ever. The concept is so over the top, so utterly ridiculous, that just glancing at the movie's poster can make you do a double-take. What we've got here is a movie about a mummy wreaking havoc in a retirement home. The old, the weak, the weary and the senile are being attacked in their sleep by a particularly nasty-looking mummy. One that doesn't even have the balls to come after them while they're awake and could at least...I don't know...hobble away or swing a cane or something. No, this mummy waits until they're fast asleep and then sucks their souls out through their asses. Exactly why this bastard can't go for the mouth instead is never really explained, though we are offered the theory that "any orifice will do."

The only hope these poor, incontinent octogenarians have of survival comes in the form of two men of questionable mental (not to mention physical) health, who fully believe that they're Elvis and John F. Kennedy. Not reincarnated, mind you, but the real deal. Elvis apparently, at the height of his fame, switched places with an Elvis impersonator. So it was the impersonator who died on the crapper, while the real Elvis did impersonator gigs and finally wound up in this old-folks home. JFK's story which involves a government cover-up is a bit less believable, since he is of obvious African-American descent. When confronted with this rather gaping hole in his story, JFK indignantly proclaims that "they dyed me this color!"

None of what's described above would work in the slightest without the help of Bruce Campbell and Ossie Davis - two guys who take this material and run with it like you wouldn't believe. When the movie starts, you think you're watching a couple of nutcases. Ninety minutes later, you're sold. You just watched Elvis and JFK battle a soul-sucking mummy. Well...ok...I'll let you decide for yourself where JFK is concerned, but I'm tellin' ya - it was Elvis! It was The King!

Bruce Campbell was built for this role, chin and all, and there's been a lot of talk about the high quality of his acting in this movie. I'm inclined to agree, with the sole reservation that it's kinda like watching Ash from the Evil Dead flicks do an Elvis impersonation, albeit a damn good one, with the help of some excellent prosthetics. He's got the same attitude when going after the bad guys - "No one fucks with The King" - delivered in the same deadpan, mock-serious, bad-ass manner that Evil Dead fans have come to know and love. His hilarious take on Elvis is brilliant in that it doesn't go for the easy laugh by repeating, "Thank you...thank you very much" every ten minutes. It's more subtle than that, and it works.

Ossie Davis's job here is easier, mainly because he's not doing a JFK impersonation. He's just claiming to be JFK. But his importance should not go without mention. His presence somehow lends credibility to the absurd things that you're witnessing on-screen and he adds an unexpected warmth that again...somehow works. Don't ask me how, but it does. The filmmakers were very lucky to get him.

Much credit must also go to the writer of this material, Joe Lansdale. Lansdale is the very talented author of many underrated books and anyone familiar with his writing is going to see his unmistakable style right up there on the screen. Last but not least (and also coming out of left field) is the director, Don Coscarelli. You look at this guy's list of credits - Phantasm 1-4 and The Beastmaster - and you wonder where the hell this movie came from. All in all, a great job done by many people who obviously cared a great deal about the project.

I have to tell you...this isn't a horror flick. Don't go expecting gore and lots of scares, cause that's not what it's about. The core of Bubba Ho-Tep is the funny, oddball and (boy am I gonna catch shit for this one) sweet relationship between Campbell and Davis. It's priceless stuff. Think Abbott & Costello Meet Frankenstein, only vulgar as hell. That's the best comparison I can come up with.

It's true independent filmmaking at its finest.

Thanks to extremely successful early runs in New York and LA, Bubba Ho-Tep is slowly but surely being rolled out to other cities, a list of which (including some guest appearances by Bruce Campbell) can be found at the movie's web site. Do yourself a favor and track it down. Take a road trip. It's worth it.

Will this be the next art-house, independent, breakout blockbuster?
Mmmmmm...probably not.
But then again, you wouldn't like it if it was. The most we can hope for is that our two heroes will show up again in another adventure together. Stick around till the end of the credits and you'll see what I mean.

Hail to the King, baby.