Not since Pia Zadora's "The Lonely Lady" has there been such a blatant exercise in vanity filmmaking. Wildly uneven in both tone and narrative, competently shot but poorly executed, mind numbingly dull and yet utterly fascinating; "Unspeakable" is almost indescribable. But the Monsters are going to give it a go...

An innocent man is sentenced to death in the electric chair. His crime? Giving a woman a lift in his truck; a border patrol officer who just had a run-in with a serial killer she was tracking down. It seems the killer cut the top of her skull off, let her go and... she waited until she was in innocent man's truck to expire. Passing out, she falls over; her exposed brain falling onto the poor man's lap. A really bad time for anyone to be pulled over by the police, no? Before his execution, plucky psychologist Diana (Dina Meyer) connects a computerized mechanism to his mind and finds that he is completely innocent. It's a device even sillier (though less flashy) than Reagan's "disco strobe dream machine" from "Exorcist 2." So, innocent man dies anyway... but not before the actual perpetrator, infamous serial killer Jesse Mowatt (Pavan Grover), has been captured and conveniently placed in the same prison.

The psychologist decides that, for the good of humanity, it might be interesting to hook Mowatt up to the dream device. A device that is basically a few electrodes connected to a laptop computer. One that downloads and "streams," probably in Quicktime, the thoughts/dreams of the "electroded" individual. The sadistic warden (a lost, slumming Dennis Hopper) reluctantly agrees to let Diana meet with Mowatt. Before you can say "Silence of the..." they are exchanging dialogue through a rather large flap in the prison door. Because the scene has already been filmed (by Jonathan Demme) it is assumed that the two have an instant rapport. The actors themselves seem to be unaware of this (odd when you consider one of them wrote the script), but let's just say that there is a special connection between them - 'cause the plot kinda hinges on this. He tells her that he is the next step in evolution, and that he has special powers or some such nonsense. The dialogue is painfully bad in this film... not worth re-watching to transcribe.

Mowatt is hooked up to the laptop and Diana watches his Quicktime memories. Memories that are "shot" not as point-of-view recollections, but filmed reenactments. So our sadistic killer can see his tortured past as an omniscient spectator. Though it's the least bothersome of all the ridiculous story elements, it's easily one of the funniest... Diana witnesses the murder of the border patrol officer, the poor woman who literally lost her mind, and confirms that the innocent man at the beginning of the film really was innocent. Oh the inhumanity! Soon after, Mowatt is sentenced to death and hooked up to the electric chair. Being the next step in evolution and all, Mowatt has powers of mind control and telekinesis. Before they can pull the lever, the warden is possessed and frantically dances around the electric chair. Hopper, so far away from "Easy Rider," flails, flops then finally rips off his own face. It's a great moment, the only one actually, in this gonzo mess and it's been MPAA approved - which means it's been shortened to the point of hardly existing. They end up frying the hulking serial murderer anyway and, after a couple of attempts, he is finally put to rest. Or is he? Though this movie is almost two hours long, this is not the set-up. The execution of the moronic killer should be the ending of the film. It sure FEELS like it should be the ending. It's not the finale, nor the set-up (as the DVD copy intimates), but merely one of the scenes toward the incomprehensible conclusion.

Writer, producer and "star" Pavan Grover has fashioned a vehicle for himself that borrows liberally from "Silence of the Lambs," "Shocker," Henriksen's "Horror Show," Cannon action films from the '80's(!) and "The X-Files." These dubious, disparate elements are held together by a film debut that must be seen to be believed. The anti-hero Grover has created is all over the map - he's supposedly a criminal mastermind, physically Herculean, dangerously sexy, threatening and pure evil. In addition to his evolution mantra, he's also a very religious man who quotes the bible. Oh yes, he's also Satan. A seasoned actor might have done something with this part - even as written. But Grover's take on his own material is so underplayed, uneven and woefully unconvincing that at times he is difficult to watch. Who is Pavan Grover one might ask? Well, someone who is evidently very well connected and/or has a considerable amount of money to throw around. Surrounded by a competent b-movie cast (including the always reliable Lance Henriksen), Grover is clearly in over his head. Physically he seems right for this part; he does possess movie-star looks and is an imposing figure. But every line delivery, every facial expression comes across as amateurish and wrong-headed. No one would have cast Mr. Grover in this film; no one but Mr. Grover himself. Hopper gives an embarrassing turn as the clichéd "evil warden." His awkward Texas accent and bizarre dialogue delivery is also hard to watch. Meyer (the best thing about "Starship Troopers") does what she can with the absurd dialogue and her poorly conceived character. Her scenes with Henriksen are pretty solid and the two have an easy chemistry. The "Aliens" actor gives the best performance in the film; but his character is completely incidental and could have easily been removed from the narrative. Director Thomas J. Wright helmed several "Millennium" episodes - which might explain Henriksen's ease in the surrounding chaos.

In spite of the mess that is "Unspeakable," there are a few factors in its favor. It is shot with an assured visual sense; noted cinematographer Antonio Calvache ("In the Bedroom") was somehow coaxed into shooting this project. He and director Wright do create a nice sense of urgency in the first fifteen minutes or so. Wright is a competent television director and has been involved with several great TV shows including, not surprisingly, "The X-Files." In many ways, those few opening scenes feel like an early John Carpenter film. However, the preposterous script and the inappropriate orchestral score quickly kill any momentum. The special effects are also quite good, but much of the gore sequences were edited with a hatchet. Those seeking a mindless exercise in violence will be very disappointed.

At times "Unspeakable" feels like one of those religious, quasi-thrillers like "Left Behind." Mowatt's bible quoting killer and his references to himself as Satan feel like they could veer into TBN territory at any moment. The ham-fisted, cartoonish way the executions in the film are portrayed also feel like part of a gory morality play. The two electric chair sequences in the film are carried out by Nazi - like guards who relish the entire procedure. The prisoners are executed without the benefit of a bag over their heads; no doubt to illustrate the barbarity of the act. But to accuse this film of having an agenda (religious or otherwise) is to burden it with an intelligence it surely does not posses.

This MGM DVD is presented in its original aspect ratio and the print appeared to be pristine. The Dolby Digital sound was perfectly fine; every incomprehensible moment of dialogue came in loud and clear. Special features include deleted scenes (for the brave souls who demand even more), extended gory scenes (Hopper's amazing death included) and outtakes (mostly of Grover getting a worm placed inside his ear... over and over again). There are also several trailers, including a teaser for the not so eagerly awaited "Species 3."

Unspeakable? No. Unwatchable? Maybe. Contemptible? Yes!

For more interesting vanity projects Monsters highly recommends the aforementioned "The Lonely Lady" and a little seen embarrassment called "If Ever I See You Again" written, directed and starring Joseph Brooks. Either film is preferable to this title; forever more unspoken.