I'm quite proud to say I know next to nothing about the uniquely European sleaze genre known as “Naziploitation.” I am, however, sorry to say that I now know the film SS CAMP WOMEN'S HELL is one of the seedier examples of this pathetic skid-mark in the underpants of modern cinema. I am even more sorry to say that my research revealed many amazing facts about this justly-maligned turd in the punchbowl of motion picture history. I am sorriest of all that I had to sit through it. I took some small comfort in the knowledge that my sacrifice might save others from the soul-draining agony that is SS CAMP WOMEN'S HELL.

One of the many wonderful things I learned about this genre is that it's pretty easy to pull off on a low budget: all you need is an abandoned barracks or warehouse, some cut-rate Nazi uniforms, a few machine guns and a jeep, and a bunch of scrawny women who don't wash their hair but feel comfortable with nudity. I also learned that one of its chief purveyors was Sergio Garrone - who, unfortunately for the world in general, is apparently still capable of making movies today. Garrone shot this film simultaneously with the previously-released golden classic, SS EXPERIMENT LOVE CAMP, which is a remarkably similar title – quite apropos, since it's pretty much the same damn movie, recycling the same sets, actors and props. (I've heard the previous film is the nastier of the two... lucky me). The primary differences between the two are found in the amount of stock footage used – in this case, grisly footage from actual concentration camps. Yes, you read that right. Nothing goes better with grimy naked chicks than newsreel footage of emaciated corpses being bulldozed into mass graves, right? Sure, if you're a fucking serial killer. Or, apparently, if you're Sergio Garrone.

Okay, here goes the plot: female enemies of Der Fuhrer are herded into a prison camp, where some are chosen to be prostitutes for the Nazi elite, while the rest are subjected to horrendous medical experiments by Mengele-type sadists testing a new burn ointment. The test is conducted under finely controlled conditions: by applying flammable liquid to a fully-conscious prisoner's leg, which is then set on fire. Apparently, after killing over a thousand prisoners with this technique, the ointment still doesn't work. Not even a little bit. Nevertheless, we get to see this procedure several times, in gruesome detail. It looks just as disgusting as it sounds.

That's pretty much the plot, folks. We get variations on this from time to time, but mostly it's just pale, doughy Nazis slobbering over skinny women and sneering guys in lab coats setting women on fire. Joy and fuckin' cookies.

Oh sure, for the occasional change of pace, we get a couple of escape attempts - the first of which results in some of the prisoners being roasted alive by a really bad special effect in what's supposed to be a crematory oven. But that's only the beginning. The surviving co-conspirators are dragged down to the torture chamber for the film's main setpiece, in which fingernails are ripped out, a skull is crushed in a vise, intestines are clawed out with metal hooks, and a tongue is ripped out by the root. All of this is shown in loving close-up, porn-style, with glorious amplified sound effects. If you decide to watch this movie just to see this scene, I hope you contract seeping genital sores that never heal until the day you die.

I tried really, really hard to find something interesting, or at least not quite so pathetic and disgusting, about this movie. I was able to cull one positive aspect: the story's nominal heroine (Rita Manna) is really cute. I was convinced the filmmakers would kill her off early, just to spite me. Fortunately, although she did have to suffer the indignity of strapping on a banana dildo (don't ask), she does escape, kills a bunch of bad guys, and lives to fight another day – hopefully not in any film with Garrone's name attached to it.

No, I am not in the least concerned that I might have given away a crucial plot point, because a) there are no plot points; and b) I really don't give a monkey's balls whether you see this movie or not. Suffice to say it's not sitting on the shelf next to BLADE RUNNER or NOSFERATU in my collection. Hell, it's not even next to Jess Franco's THE GIRL FROM RIO, out in the garage at the bottom of a box marked “CRAP”. I'll never sell it, because then people would think I once owned it. Maybe someday I'll douse it in lighter fluid and watch the pretty blue flame until it's all gone. But for now, I gotta finish this goddamn review.

Since Exploitation Digital is a subsidiary of Media Blasters, you can at least be assured a presentation of decent quality. For a movie that made me feel dirty, the 1.85:1 anamorphic transfer is amazingly pristine, with sharp contrast, minimal grain and good color definition (even if nearly everything in the movie is slate gray, including most of the cast). The mono English audio is clear, with no significant flaws. All in all, it's one of the cleanest prints of an exploitation film I've seen in a while... even though the negative would have better served as road filler.

Extra features? Yeah, whatever. We get a subtitled interview with Garrone, whose pompous justification for making films like this made me want to kick him in the balls. (He did make one statement I actually kind of agreed with though: films like this aren't nearly as disgusting as reality TV. Got a point there, Serge.) There's a brief still gallery, and trailers for Exploitation Digital's other light and breezy Nazi epics, including companion feature SS EXPERIMENT LOVE CAMP. Oh, someone hold me back from whipping out my fucking credit card right now.

That's all I got, kids, except for one esoteric observation I made after ripping this disc out of the tray and tenderly apologizing to the DVD player: You know how nasty your pee smells after you've eaten asparagus? This movie smells worse.