If innocents are threatened, where injustice is paramount, when the government is ineffective, they are there to save the day. The Seven Samurai? The Magnificent Seven? The A-Team? No, it's Ernest Borgnine and his 'crack' team of commandoes ready to fight the good fight on THE SKELETON COAST. Hold on campers; it's gonna be a bumpy ride...

In the jungles of Angola, loyal government forces ambush a rebel encampment. The raid results in lots of carnage and the capture of a CIA operative working with the revolutionaries. Later, retired Col. Smith (Borgnine) makes plans to 'go in on our own' because diplomatically, the United States is unable to sanction a rescue attempt. The CIA agent is his only son Michael, and what father wouldn't invade a country to save his boy? Gathering information from underworld kingpin Elia, Smith is told his son is being held in an old fortress along the coast. Smith meets one of his recruits Rick to plan his assault on the fort, but they are confronted by the 'secret police'. They manage to escape, leaving one of the Gestapo dead. Rick returns to the desert to gather the 'gang' while Smith is summoned back to Elia's. The crime boss tells Smith he's killed not a policeman, but one of the city's security force. Now Smith has two enemies to worry about.

The Colonel gathers his team; every bloody cliché' in the book - Italian stud Armand, busty chick Sam, ninja Tohsiro, badass black man Chuck, psycho Blade, and old fart Brit Robbins. Smith gives them a 'rousing' speech, and off they go against all odds to save Michael! The heart just swells with emotion! Meanwhile, security chief Simpson vows revenge on Smith for killing his man, and sets off with his force after our gang. In the fortress, Michael is tortured for information by sadistic Major Schneider, but the boy refuses to spill the beans. Back in the desert, Simpson's men ambush Smith and destroy their vehicles and equipment, then leave them to die in the dunes. However, Smith had earlier noticed a smuggler's plane hidden in the waste, so the gang finds their way back to its location. Then they stage their own ambush, killing all the smugglers and taking the aircraft. The rescue mission will continue! Can Smith and his ragtag team storm the fortress and save the day? Oh, the suspense...

... is absolutely non-existent. SKELETON COAST is one dopey film. Start with the convoluted storyline - a patchwork script cobbled together with nearly every adventure movie cliché'. It's like the 'writers' sat around with lines and scenes on bits of paper from those movies and taped them together into a 'story'. The acting is worse than many reality TV programs; I swear I thought Borgnine was replaced by a zombie he's so stiff. Robert Vaughn is the German Major - but forgot to use an accent. Worse, Oliver Reed (Simpson) must have gotten a one-day contract to overact; he chews up his two scenes like a pack of Juicy Fruit and has no reason whatsoever to actually be in the movie. Ugh. As for the 'team', it's paint-by-numbers acting; they are flat out stereotypes with no original dialogue or situations that require any semblance of acting ability. But hey, it's a paycheck, and at least they won't suffer the same embarrassment as the 'stars.' Picture-wise, the photography is stunningly bad. Grainy night scenes, out of focus close ups, terribly over exposed desert scenes - it's as if they shot each scene once and had to use whatever they got. Audio is uneven; many scenes are noisy with a definite hum present. The music has got to be the worst ever - even "The A-Team" wasn't as bad as this push button swill. Every facet SKELETON COAST is hackneyed - I could go on and on, but what's the point? Suffice to say, SKELETON COAST is the bottom of the action film barrel.

Now Troma, bastion of bad films, has released SKELETON COAST with a bevy of extras, probably to distract you from the ineptness of the feature. There's a hilarious opening bit with Lloyd Kaufman, which is even funnier after you see the film. There's the obligatory trailer for the film, and previews for other Troma titles, which include full scenes from some of those movies. Then they add lots of little Troma-centric featurettes that, if not exactly your cup of tea, are more original than the main film.

Kurosawa's SEVEN SAMURAI introduced the idea of a small band of noble warriors defying the odds to save the innocent that has served other great films like THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN so well. SKELETON COAST takes the concept and runs it straight into the ground. Banal, inept, a waste of celluloid - and that's the best I can say about the film. Book yourself a trip to nowhere before you even think of going to SKELETON COAST - you'll be glad you did.