Ah, the '50s. Films of this era teach us so much. Women slide out of bed in taffeta ball-gowns and several layers of heavy makeup to join their brylcreemed, tuxedo-clad husbands for a hearty breakfast of gin and cigarettes. Lily-white people make tons of money doing nothing in particular, and drive shiny new cars to nightly cocktail parties where they smoked and drank, were entertained by world-famous novelty acts, then politely insulted each other on the way home where they donned semi-formal attire for another round of liquor and tobacco. Breasts are huge, and barely contained by brassieres fashioned from Titan warheads. And, of course, hideous, scaly monsters are fairly commonplace.

Well, at least we know that last one is sort of close to the truth, or at least I wish it were. (The breasts too, but that's another review... I hope.) One of the decade's foremost perpetrators of this ultimate truth is beloved B- movie factory American International Pictures, who not only hold venerated status among genre geeks like myself, but whose cinematic offspring include everyone from Jack Nicholson to Martin Scorsese to Woody Allen... but you know all that, or you probably wouldn't be here. The breeding ground for the first great era of exploitation cinema, the incredibly prolific AIP was helmed by superlative showmen Samuel Z. Arkoff and James Nicholson, who were arguably the first movie moguls to effectively capitalize on teenagers as their primary filmgoing audience, filling them with all the things teens love - sex, cars, monsters and Rock & Roll.

Now, at least one half of the AIP duo gets his props - courtesy of DVD UK, who have released a sumptuous retrospective of AIP monsterworks under the lofty title "The Arkoff Film Library." The horror, er, honor fell upon me to view one of these venerable creations, THE SHE CREATURE, which not only illustrates the aforementioned '50s milieu, but transcends the period's archetypes by offering a monster with larger breasts than the leading lady. More on that later.

Chester Morris portrays our guide into this wonderland as the squat, perpetually leering, baby-oil-secreting carnival mesmerist/New Age quack Dr. Carlo Lombardi (not to be confused with makeup artist Carlo Rambaldi), who has somehow built a considerable reputation among gullible high-society types on the basis of his signature stage routine. In the act, he uses his creepy, lecherous Svengali stare to age-regress his tasty assistant Andrea (Marla English) into her past lives - or at least two of them. One such sprit persona is a member of 16th-century English nobility (who apparently speaks in a cockney accent). The other is what Lombardi refers to as her "first self," a prehistoric proto-woman, more crustacean than human. The beastie is ably portrayed by the requisite stuntman in a chunky rubber suit, which for its type is pretty nifty: kind of a bipedal lobster-woman with a tooth-covered exoskeleton - and sporting a pretty impressive pair of knockers. Yes, you read that right. Why would I make this shit up?

This display of Lombardi's mesmerolicalizational powers (I made that word myself and I'm damn proud) is so popular among the cocktail-party set, it inspires wealthy wise-ass Chappel (Tom Conway) to offer his vast resources and shady contacts to push the Doc's career into the stratosphere. Unbeknownst to his patron, the summoning of Andrea's primordial demon is also a convenient way for Lombardi to knock off his many critics, business rivals, reporters, nosy neighbors, dogs, and pretty much anyone who looks at him sideways. (Remind me not to piss off a hypnotist.) Chain-smoking Rod Serling-wannabe police Lieutenant James (Ron Randell) is dead certain Lombardi's behind the mysterious sea-monster murders everybody's been reading about, but can't stop sucking unfiltered Lucky Stikes long enough to secure any damning evidence.

Oh yeah, did I mention Lombardi's in wild, oil-dripping lust with Andrea? This prospect is actually several times more revolting than even Arkoff intended.

There's only one man equipped to challenge Lombardi's plans for conquering the world (and Andrea's pants). Unfortunately, it's yet another odd-looking guy: Ted Erickson, dashing psychic researcher and all-around stud, who smokes a pipe in the lab while handling sensitive chemicals, and is played by Lance Fuller, who '50s sci-fi fans may recognize as the cranially-challenged Brack from THIS ISLAND EARTH (I suspect his huge alien forehead in that film was, in fact, his actual head). By wild coincidence, Ted is engaged to Chappel's skeletal daughter Dorothy (Cathy Downs). Apparently your average paranormal researcher is a super-stud with a Ph.D., since Ted deftly tosses aside his bland fiancée for Andrea's curvaceous charms (he doesn't even try to hide that fact that he's ogling her boobies), and Dorothy politely encourages his infidelity, returning to the gin-soaked embrace of her "funny" drunk ex-boyfriend Bob (Bill Hudson).

A complex battle of wills erupts: on one hand, between the dueling mesmerists, and on the other, between Andrea and her boss, as she attempts to break free of his Jedi mind control and become Ted's plaything instead. I won't reveal who wins. Actually, I'm not really sure who wins. Actually, I don't fucking care who wins. But rest assured, the double-D-cup monster is spoiling for a sequel.

Alas, there wasn't one, but the creature suit did return next year for VOODOO WOMAN (albeit sporting a spunky bleach-blonde wig), and the film was virtually remade for AIP in 1967 by crap-master Larry Buchanan as CREATURE OF DESTRUCTION. Oh, and there's that cable movie, but it's a remake in name only.

Apparently inspired by a national fascination with reincarnation and past lives (also the basis for AIP oddity THE UNDEAD), SHE CREATURE infuses its standard monster formula with some spiritual mumbo-jumbo and even features groovy ectoplasm effects, but is remarkably restrained in the creature department, giving the stacked behemoth a bit less screen time than most monsters of the period. Not that this is a bad idea - it might have helped a few other AIP flicks to show the same kind of restraint - but it does leave us with a few too many repetitive scenes of cops scratching their heads (while smoking, of course), and endless scenes of carp-faced Lombardi giving commands to Andrea, his fishy lips hovering less than half an inch from hers (I suspect his breath was a heady bouquet of Johnny Walker and Pall Malls). Still, it's a superb glimpse into the dreamy '50s B-movie wonderland of which Arkoff and his pal Jim were Lords Supreme.

Although DVD UK presents the image in full-frame, there's not much info lost from the original formatting, and the picture's scaly head and shoulders above any late- night-cable print I've ever seen... not that that's saying much, but it's pretty good nonetheless. There's very little print damage visible, and what's there is barely noticeable, although there is a rough splice or two. The only downside is the lack of contrast in the clunky day- for-night scenes, which look like they were filmed through a screen door. The mono track is clear and strong, although I experienced a constant low hum for the length of the film. Of course, I experience a constant low hum all the time, so my observations are highly suspect.

The disc includes trailers for nine Arkoff titles and some way-cool postcard replicas of the original lobby posters (I've got 'em all over the fridge!), but the outstanding feature is a groovy 50-minute audio recording taken from the late Arkoff's 1991 appearance at England's National Theatre, during which you can learn just about everything you ever wanted to know about AIP but were afraid to ask. Arkoff is quite animated and fun, with amazing showbiz anecdotes aplenty (some may actually be true!). It's a history lesson that made me proud to be obsessed with weird-ass shit like this. Maybe you'll feel the same. Or not. Like I give a shit.

Remember that these discs are Region 2 Pal and are NOT available in the US. You will need a player that is compatible if you live in the US. All of the titles from The Arkoff Library are available at xploitedcinema.com or direct from the UK at www.dvdisc.co.uk.