While looking over the text written on the back of the DVD case for this title, you notice some strange things. You see the same sentence repeated only a couple of lines later. You may even be drawn in by esoteric messages such as "Max needs." But, if those displays of professionalism don't already have you digging into your pockets with gleeful enthusiasm, then lines like "Sleazy Chills… Italian style!" are certain to push you over the edge. No? Ah, you're a hard sell! Then take a glance at the front cover. "Euro Trash Horror" it screams; that beautiful, obviously naked, temptress should complete the seduction. You might now be thinking, "If that gorgeous vixen from the cover is in the flick, how bad can it be?" She is in the movie… right?" No, not really.

Some terrific, finger-snapping, lounge style tunes play while the credits roll by (the on-screen title says Satanic) over color tinted images in the background. An old woman, walking alone in the night rain, waves down a cab and tells him to hurry up; her trip is an urgent one. She is off to visit a medical colleague of hers who is working on a formula designed to achieve cell regeneration, potentially, the key to immortality. Up until now, the formula has only been tested on animals and the side effects have been worrisome. Yes, they get younger and healthier but they also become a bit vicious in the process. Well, the old woman, Dr. Marnie Bannister, is ready to try it out for herself. She is an ugly, haggard old woman with a large and nasty growth on her face resembling some sort of infection or disease. She isn't worried about the potentially negative effects of the serum either. When her partner in all of this explains that it's still too unstable to try on a human, she kills him with a scalpel and takes it anyway. (Gosh, I hope the potion doesn't make her vicious!) After drinking it all down, she passes out. She awakens to find herself sexy, young, and wearing lots of eye shadow. (Must've been the magical and ever-so-elusive makeover gnomes).

The police investigate the murder and instantly come to the correct conclusion (GASP!). However, they are now searching for a nasty looking old woman, not a hip young sex-kitten making the rounds at a nice upscale drinking establishment. It's here that the new Dr. Bannister meets George, a jet-setting playboy and lady-killer extraordinaire. After an evening of fine dining and dancing, the couple heads back to George's place for a little late night champagne, an expensive strip tease and lusty sex. As it turns out, the potion is temporary and it's not long until the good Doctor turns into a snarling old hag bent on murder. Unfortunately for him, our shady friend George is the closest when the potion wears off. Now it's back to the laboratory for another fix; bad news for the watchman. Although young and pretty again, the cops are hot on Bannister's trail. (Didn't help matters any when she shot one of the cops,) It won't be long now… as the police get closer to the horrifying truth we are treated to some general criminal activity, a hilarious cat-fight, more giggle inspiring fashion craziness than I could keep track of and murder.

What a mess! The plot is shifty and ridiculous, there is virtually no characterization to speak of, the dubbed dialogue is monotonous in its best moments and the whole movie is a frustrating failure. Excruciatingly overlong at only eighty-four minutes, there is only one thing that I can say is truly enjoyable about Satanik: the soundtrack. Fans of lounge music are sure to be pleased by the Bossa-Nova-beats and Martini-shaking rhythms of most of the music heard throughout. It's just not enough. Two brief moments of nudity don't achieve the promised "sleazy chills" and a couple of mild, decidedly flat murders do not a "Euro Trash Horror" make. Director Piero Vivarelli directs in a rather lackluster manner and even if he had accomplished all of the stylish visuals you could have hoped for (make no mistake here, he didn't), they would have been castrated by the full screen transfer on the DVD. I find it difficult even to recommend Satanik to bad-film fans because it isn't bad in that sometimes-rewarding sort of way. It's just frickin' boring. That's the worst kind of bad there is.

The DVD presentation itself doesn't fare a whole lot better than the movie it contains. At the opening of the disc there is a disclaimer that says, "…some audio and video imperfections exist." Man, that's an understatement. The cropped image often leaves you watching people talking to themselves. There are massive amounts of print damage. Don't be surprised when someone is in the middle of a sentence and you find yourself instantly watching the next scene. There are many scratches, lines, dirt marks, and general deterioration caused by age and lack of care. The soundtrack contains a tremendous amount of popping, snapping and hiss. It also sounds high and a little tinny. The only extra is a gallery of pictures that mostly features the covers of the Italian photo novels. It's short, but features yet another lively piece of lounge music playing in the background.

I can only recommend Satanik to those who carry on an unyielding quest for the relentlessly boring. Insomniacs take note.