“What was that? Quick split up!” Famous last words from uber-virile Captain O’Day in “Porno Holocaust.”

This obscure title, from Euro sleaze king Joe D’Amato, is at once fascinating and excruciating. Fascinating in that it is one of the rare Euro sex films that actually delivers on the hardcore action - and excruciating in its jaw-dropping incompetence as a porn film, splatter exercise or even basic sleaze. It’s a great title though and no matter how negative a review, there are many loyal Monsters who will not be able to refuse such a come-on. ‘Porno Holocaust? Count me in!’ It’s a testament to the clever design team at Exploitation Digital that even those who have endured the 113-minute film might be convinced to watch it again. Even this monster, who has viewed the tedious film in its entirety, is presently staring at the groovy DVD artwork and thinking, ‘Porno Holocaust? Count me in!’

A group of scientists are called to investigate a Greek island that has remained uninhabited since some nuclear testing several years ago. Many unexplained deaths have occurred around the island and local fishermen have whispered rumors of humanoid monsters. There have been so many Italian gut-munchers that have begun with this basic premise, that it’s easy to fall prey to its simple scenario. “Cannibal Holocaust,” “Zombie Holocaust” and the truly amazing “Cannibal Ferox” are each regarded (sometimes infamously) as classics in their small sub-genre. As sleazy and gore-filled as each film already is, the possibility of pornographic sex added to the mix is simply too tantalizing for the rabid fan. If “Cannibal Ferox” had really gone all the way with the sex, it could’ve quite possibly been the coolest cult film ever made. Or not. Such comparisons to “Porno”are inevitable given the title and its prolific director. D’Amato (and writer/co-star George Eastman) were also responsible for “Anthropophagus” (a.k.a “The Grim Reaper”) a 1980 thriller about a cannibalistic killer hunting down tourists on an island. D’Amato is famous as well for several of those Laura Gemser/Emanuelle films that were all on the verge of all-out porn. What would happen if those two great tastes were combined? Sadly, not “Porno Holocaust. D’Amato’s “Emanuelle and the Last Cannibals” (a.k.a. “Trap Them and Kill Them”) is probably the closest we’ll ever come to a true combo… and while the violence in that film is worthy of the Euro sleaze greats, the sex is decidedly softcore.

Our “Porno” scientific expedition includes the frigid professor Keller, his insatiable wife Simone, beautiful exotic Annie and, for good measure, a “countess/biologist.” This crackerjack team is joined by Magnum P.I.-ish Captain O’Day (who will serve as their guide and main phallus). Disappointingly, Ms. Gemser is not one of the frisky scientists, nor is island horror ingénue Tisa Farrow. Aside from Eastman, the “actors” are all porn meat – many of whom would also turn up in the similar D’Amato sextacular “Erotic Nights of the Living Dead.” After a good day of hardcore sex and sightseeing, our intrepid explorers leave for the mysterious island. Evidently all that nuclear testing has an aphrodisiac-like effect on most of the team – not that they needed any prodding. The severe lack of plot is most evident when the action begins anew on the island. Instead of the expected cannibals, mutant savages or even a demented hook-handed fisherman, the sex continues… O’Day and Annie have sex several (more) times. Simone and the Countess get it on (again) and even the frigid professor thaws out in the island sun. Throughout the various hook-ups, the team manages to do a little research on the island as well. But make no mistake, this is the island of love! And just as soon as the dialogue begins to turn a corner into “plotsville,” someone takes off their clothes. At this point a reader might logically ask, ‘Porno, check, but what of the promised Holocaust?’ After over an hour of banal couplings (and one ugly threesome) some lumbering mutant begins to kill off the unfortunate cast. Not the promised cannibal on the cover copy, just some angry survivor of the nuclear blast. Poorly described by one of the cast as ‘A kind of ape-man, dressed in rags,’ he’s more like a lumbering extra with in a muddy sheet and crappy facial prosthetics. He has a habit of walking into frame and clobbering heads with a cave man club. Those really hoping for a Holocaust (of the cannibal, zombie or even ‘80’s slasher kind) will be greatly disappointed. Viewers who make it to the last forty minutes or so will be treated to some extraordinarily poor make-up effects and several incompetent “shock” scenes. “Lumbering extra” does kill one of the female scientists and then has pornographic sex with her. BUT, it must be said that D’Amato even manages to bungle this can’t-miss scenario. The murder-rape sequence is just as lethargic as the countless other sex scenes. Ultimately, “Porno” just doesn’t build toward anything but actual “money shots.” Its slight narrative is convoluted and the action is poorly captured by cinematographer Aristide Massaccesi (a.k.a D’Amato!). Actor/writer George Eastman gives a short interview on the DVD and alludes to the fact that they were, in fact, shooting three other films concurrently. The cast and crew looked at this four picture shoot more as a vacation. He also states that the harder scenes were shot for an international audience only. This fact is hard to believe after viewing “Porno,” which would be all of 20 minutes without the hardcore sex.

One of the few positive aspects of “Porno Holocaust,” aside from its great title, is the shock of the sex act in all its explicit glory. Because it has the air of a Euro sleaze/gore extravaganza, the first few full-on sex scenes are quite a novelty. Often the jarring cuts in the erotic scenes of these films is distracting. Exploitation Digital’s “Yellow Emanuelle” is case in point; there simply wasn’t enough on-screen sex in that curious outing. All “Porno” has is sex and poorly shot, embarrassing sex at that. In fact, the three unfortunate females in this film could not be any more indifferent to the sex they are asked to perform. Granted, the men that they are paired with are quite frightening but, true to porn convention, that’s always been the way. Why Ms. Gemser, who truly does seem to enjoy her sex scenes, chose to sit this one out is a puzzle. She certainly could have added a little heat to the chilly beaches of “Porno Holocaust.”

Though the film might be a crashing bore, the guys at Exploitation Digital never got that memo. In addition to the great packaging, they’ve put together a truly memorable DVD. The animated menus are truly something from the drive-in gods. Kudos to Alex Fuego for his amazing tongue-in-cheek work. The George Eastman interview, while short, is extremely informative (and very cool for his fans). Also included is a short photo gallery and a few trailers including one for “Porno.” The 1.85:1 Anamorphic print is not without its flaws, but given the films’ storied background of cut prints and pan-and-scan bootlegs, it’s not bad. The Dolby Digital sound is exceptional for this type of film and it’s clear that the ED guys went the extra mile in the mix. It’s a great DVD presentation of a pretty bad exploitation title.

“Porno Holocaust” is a terrible film. Surprise! And yet, those who have made it to the end of this review are probably still curious. Look at the lurid cover art… say the name again… you are mesmerized by its tantalizing promise. Go to the ED website and order your copy today! Why? Because it’s f*cking “Porno Holocaust!” Count me in!