When I was about 15 years old, I spent my weekends and summers like any self respecting suburban punk rock kid does, skateboarding and hanging out at the mall. The problem was I didn't live close enough to skate to the "good" mall, so I had to settle for the old mall; the one that stopped being cool when the newer, fancier one was built. It didn't have a whole lot going for it, consisting mainly of children's clothing stores, drycleaners, hair salons that stank of perm solution, and an ancient five and dime that boasted it's own crew of old men who smoked cigars on the benches out in front and had probably done so every day since it opened. But it did have a record store. That's where you would have found me and my dorky friends most days, loitering and striking up conversations with the twenty-something employees who had nothing better to do than entertain some bored kids. That's also where, through one of those very same conversations, I first learned about Microwave Massacre.

Horror films were often a main topic of discussion (even back then I was completely enthralled by them) and one of the guys who worked there would always bring up this movie called Microwave Massacre, which I had never seen and which he would continually rave about, showering it with praise and making it sound absolutely fantastic. This is probably where I should clarify that his praise wasn't for how utterly terrifying or unbelievably scary the film was, but rather for the fact that it was a downright awful, giant steaming turd of a movie, which to someone like me (and hopefully some of the rest of you) is a recommendation unto itself. I was told that I just had to see it to truly understand how hilariously bad it actually was and was instructed to head down to the local Blockbuster video which happened to have a copy. I felt like I could really be missing out on something big, like I wasn't part of the secret club that held the forbidden knowledge of the crappiest-of-the-crap movies, so naturally I rushed over there immediately, eager to rent this sucker, dive in, and finally find out what all the fuss was about.

But it wasn't in.

And it wouldn't be in next week. Or the week after. Or for many, many weeks, months, and even years to come. It would never be in again, no doubt rented by someone who understood completely the commodity that they had in their possession and who refused to let that slip through their fingers. Needless to say I was crushed. Microwave Massacre was the one that got away and would become somewhat of a personal holy grail for me, something to search for in the dusty VHS piles of every flea market, garage sale, and horror convention that I attended. It would be close to 10 years until I would finally find a copy at a mom and pop video store that was going out of business. I certainly never thought it would make it onto DVD, but low and behold, here I am writing a review of it, still completely shocked.

Now I'm sure the question that's on all your minds is "Was it all worth it?" With all the years of searching and built up anticipation, could it possibly have lived up to my expectations? The only way I can really answer that question is by saying …

Trash lovers - rejoice! Your time has come.

Donald (Jackie Vernon, the voice of Frosty the Snowman from the animated classic) is your typical American average Joe, a working stiff who wants to put in his time at the construction site, have a couple drinks with the guys after his shift, and head home to a nice, hot meal waiting for him on the table. May, his wife, has recently decided that she's had it with her low class husband and that she's going to add some much needed sophistication to their lives by only cooking gourmet meals, all of them prepared in her brand new microwave oven. When the hunger for simple, normal food becomes too overwhelming, Donald snaps and literally butchers her, chopping the body up into small pieces and stuffing them in the freezer, wrapped in aluminum foil. I probably don't need to draw a map for you to figure out where this is headed. One night he mistakenly grabs a slab of his murdered wife and eats it, and upon realizing how much he enjoyed it, now has to figure out where he can get more human flesh to feast upon. The answer? Simple. He does what anyone in that situation would do, lures a steady stream of prostitutes back to his house to become his next unsuspecting victims.

So just how bad are we talking here? Could it possibly be "The Worst Horror Movie of All Time" as the DVD cover suggests? I mean, that's a pretty lofty title to live up to. Well, I suppose it all depends on what your idea of a "bad" movie is. If you think the combination of a no budget grindhouse slasher, a sleazy 80's sex comedy, and the trashy low brow humor of Married With Children sounds like a movie from your worst nightmares, then yes, this very well may be the worst horror movie of all time in your opinion. On the other hand, if you find yourself thinking "that sounds like the perfect blending of genres to create a true masterpiece of inappropriate, bottom of the barrel comedy, which is exactly what I've been looking for" then you've just found entertainment gold! Either way, it certainly doesn't take itself too seriously, so neither should you. You'll be treated to plenty of everything that makes for a great piece of cinematic trash - rude one-liners, scuzzy sexual innuendos, characters based on almost every stereotype imaginable, a cheesy synthesizer soundtrack, bargain special effects, lots of nudity (thanks to that steady stream of hookers), and acting that makes a high school play look like Academy Award material (almost every line of dialogue has a pause between it and the next, as if it's being read off a cue card). Wrap it all up and add in the real star of the show - the fakest looking, most monstrous microwave oven ever to grace the screen (it was 1983, after all) - and you've got an absolutely wonderful hunk of ridiculous garbage just waiting for you to make fun of it. So have some friends over, order a pizza, get some snacks, and get ready for a night of laughing your asses off at the expense of the total crapfest that is Microwave Massacre. I mean that as a compliment of the highest form.

Not surprisingly, this is pretty much a no frills DVD release. As I mentioned before, I'm surprised it made it onto DVD at all, so beggars can't be choosers I guess. The film looks and sounds about as good as it's ever going to, which means nothing special in that department. The back cover proudly lists the special features as "Absolutely None. Nada. Zip. Zilch." I doubt any supplemental or promotional material was even ever made for this movie. It's obvious that even the trailer that's included was created by the company which released this, most likely because no actual theatrical trailer or TV spots ever existed. I only wish that Anthem Pictures would have kept at least some of the artwork from any of the earlier VHS releases, all of which included classic 80s horror box style drawings of gruesome severed heads stuffed into microwave ovens. Instead they chose to go with cheapo stills from the film, making it look like it would fit right at home next to most of the other forgotten direct to video throwaways on the shelves today, where unfortunately I'm sure it will end up. Pick up your copy before it does.