An actress is “discovered” stealing apples on the street, hauled off in a boat to an island that time forgot, and, just before the credits roll, falls in love with an ancient ape-god. Merian C. Cooper's version of “Beauty and the Beast” may seem a little far-fetched-- especially now, since filmmaking isn't quite the uncharted frontier it was in 1933--but King Kong is like a History Channel special compared to BKN's animated update of the Kong story, Kong: King of Atlantis.

This 68-minute movie is connected to Kong: The Animated Series, which airs daily on Disney's ABC Family channel. (Thanks to the magic of Peter Jackson mania and digital cable, I caught King of Atlantis on TV two days before my review copy arrived). 72 years after Cooper's seminal film, the great ape's prehistoric home is overrun with reptile-queens, cyber technology, and teenagers.

The Kong in King of Atlantis isn't the same one who took Fay Wray to the top of the Empire State Building. He was created from the DNA of the legendary “Kong of old” by the grandmother of a boy named Jason who calls the big monkey his brother. (Maybe the DNA dilution is why Kong's color seems a little off).

You got all that? Good. Because it gets weirder from here.

Jason's delphic bond with Kong is partly due to a tiny computer he connects to his ear. Using his “Cyber-Link,” Jason can merge his DNA with Kong's to create a stronger, smarter super-ape. Angering the brothers in this state is like teasing Bruce Banner--as their friend Tann says, “When Kong and Jason go ballistic, you get Mega-Kong.”

The brothers' island is right above the lost city of Atlantis, which Kong's ancestor sank many years ago. Evil queen Reptilla and her snakey subjects still live there, and thanks to a solar eclipse, it's time for Atlantis to rise again. But first, Reptilla must get Kong on her side.

With a plot more outlandish than most b-movies,' Kong: King of Atlantis could've been a cult classic in the vein of Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. But the movie's been crammed into some mathematical formula of What the Kids Like These Days. Jason calls Kong his “bro” and Tann is a red-haired demon from focus group hell. “Uh, Jase?” he asks, gazing into a bubbling tar pit. “Isn't this how the dinosaurs bit the big one?” Tann is the comic relief, the guy that the moviemakers really want us to like. But, as often happens when a film tries to create attatchment with phrases and formulae, Tann becomes the most annoying character in the whole show. Many times I wished Kong would scrape him between his teeth.

Even worse than surfer-dude Tann are the songs--which are, essentially, the only “special features” on this DVD. (You won't hear the songs if you watch Kong: King of Atlantis on TV). There are only three, but none are at all catchy and no one's singing impressed me. Besides, it's hard to feel inspired listening to lyrics like: “She's just a girl, and giving orders isn't cool.”

Other than these musical additions--including one sung by fireflies that's like something out of Disney's Cinderella—Warner Home Video has released a bare-bones DVD. There's only the feature, scene selections, and several language tracks. Kong: King of Atlantis's DVD is a metaphor for the film: there's not much here. This cartoon isn't an homage to the mighty Kong. It's an attempt to cash in on his name, and not a very good one.