Today, as a special treat, I have a prime example of the reviewer's quandary. People and companies from all over send us their movies in exchange for our opinion. It seems like a simple enough exchange but like everything in life, you really do have to read the fine print. You see, the moviemakers and the reviewers are both in the same business. It's all a form of entertainment and everyone's got a job to do. The down side to that is this: no matter what gets sent to us; no matter how boring or redundant; regardless of subject matter or coherency; even if we would rather eat our own eyeballs than watch a particular film ever again; we still have to be entertaining in our review of the monstrous piece of crap so that the general public won't send us hate mail. There are days when I feel I'm getting the shorter end of the stick.

You guessed it, folks! I think today's a short end of the stick day. In truth Tuesday was the day I watched MTI's release of Ice Queen. I figured I'd get a jump on the week a little early for a change. Unfortunately this movie filled me with such an overwhelming feeling of ambiguity that I lost my jump on the week completely. The problem with Ice Queen is that it elicits no feeling whatsoever. It wasn't even a movie that was so bad that you talk about it for days. It wasn't even a monstrous piece of crap; that at least you can laugh about later. This movie was just not noteworthy at all.

Now, let me tell you why I felt the way I did. The synopsis on the back of the box seems interesting enough, ordinary and formulaic, but that's not always a bad thing. If you'd like to read it for yourselves you can find it on MTI's website under Artist Views new release section. So here's the story: You've got a slightly obsessive scientist who has run off with a female humanoid from the ice age. At the notion that she may be valuable, the pilot tries to steal her mid flight and the plane crashes into the Killington Mountain causing an avalanche that encases a ski resort. Now you've got a crazed scientist, a pissed off ice bitch in her natural element, terrified tourists trapped in a ski lodge and they're all fighting for survival. Sounds like it could be ok, huh?

In reality, that's not really the movie you get. You may have imagined a crowded resort filled with panic but in this movie the resort is near empty. There are a couple of employee's and a love triangle. The real plot line seemed to have more to do with whether or not our hapless hero slept with the slut and cheated on the sweet girl. The Ice Queen is like a rude interruption along the way. If you could imagine a world where movies could mate; this little baby would be a cross between a 50's B creature feature and a movie from the Spice channels post implant era. Now that's what I call scary!

Technically, there was nothing wrong with the look of the movie. It was filmed well and there was one particularly nice special effect for the avalanche scene. It was presented in full frame and the end product looked pretty professional. In the end I guess it comes down to taste. The closest comparison I can give is that the finished product looks, feels and sounds like an 80's made for TV movie. The only real difference was that this one had cursing, breasts and some violence. While that will earn you points, not near enough for redemption. Don't get me wrong; if you want to spice your movie up with a well-placed gratuitous naughty scene- have at it! I'm all for it. The only problem here was that the sex scenes were neither spicy nor naughty; they were sophomoric. Since the love triangle in question became the real focus of the movie, the film as a whole became quite sophomoric.

When this movie is released in September, special features are set to include an audio commentary, a behind the scenes feature and trailers. My copy was for screening purposes only, so I was spared the extra insight on this one. It's just as well, really. Why muddy up the waters any further where this movie's concerned? Tomorrow's another day and who knows, maybe the Screener Gods will be kinder next time.