Before Arnold Schwarzenegger...
Before Sylvester Stallone...
Before Jack LaLanne, there was...
Hercules, the almighty son of Zeus!

That's a pretty lame start for a peplum review, eh, paisano? Well, live with that. I'm just recovering from an explosive case of Moctezuma's Revenge combined with hemorrhoids, that's not exactly inspiring, so let's get down to business and yak about the legendary Olympian envoy let loose among us mortal men to trod the land beneath his sandaled feet and stuff.

Made in 1959 under the original title Ercole e La Regina Di Lidia (Hercules and The Queen of Lidia), this italian production is the second adventure of Steve Reeves as Hercules - and his last one, what's pretty ironic 'cuz this is the role people always remember when talking about Reeves. Oh well, typecasting is a biatch. Moving on: Hercules Unchained starts on the same spot the first movie ended, with Herc coming back home after his adventures with Jason and the Argonauts. Nah, not precisely THE Jason and the Argonauts; this one has a Jason and the boat Argo, but instead of stop-motion skeletons we get scantily clad Amazons and a man-in-suit that looks like Angirasu from Gigantis The Fire Monster.

Where was l? Oh yeah...

When you're a God you have a busy schedule, with people asking for favors and challenging you for duels. Before our hero has the chance for a well-deserved nap (first, he's forced to kick the humongous ass of real-life boxer Primo Carnera), he gets a distress call from King Oedipus. Yes, THAT Oedipus, the most famous motherfucker in all recorded History. Oedipus' sons are quarreling for the throne, so Herc is assigned to travel to Thebes, put an end to the skirmish and, seein' how he's already there, give the naughty kids a good disciplinary beating.

That's not as easy as it seems. On the way, Herc stops and drinks the water of an unknown fountain. Oboy, do they never learn? After my recent bout with Moctezuma's Revenge, I found out the hard way that, when people say "don't drink the water", it's SERIOUS! Oh well. The funny water has a built-in memory-erasing voodoo, just like Windows ME, and soon Herc forgets who he is, what he does and who's friend or foe. Nymphomaniac Queen Omphale of Lidia (Sylvia Lopez) takes advantage of that and welcomes Herc to his ample bosom. It's up to young Ulysses (yep, THAT Ulysses) and hunky twins Castor and Pollux to save Hercules' well-toned ass and proceed with the mission.

Mario Bava fans, rejoice: he's the man who did the cinematography and special effects of this slick flick. Sadly, the DVD is in the gawdawful fullscreen format. They didn't even care to do panning and scanning. Characters speak their lines off-frame (not on purpose, but because they were ankwardly cut from the original compositions), making almost everything sound like voiceovers. Fuck. Well, at least this Brazilian DVD, with the exact same transfer from the United American edition (that means "soft with mildly washed-up colors"), can be found at cheap prices, and includes the filmography of Steve Reeves.