Chalk it up to a missed opportunity, but damn it all if the 2005 House of Wax 're-imagining' wouldn't have made one hell of a short film. As it stands now, it's a little over an hour too long. Which isn't saying much for this 113-minute production. The film has a few set pieces that could set even the most hardened horror fanatics heart aflutter, but as a cohesive whole, there's just not enough story here for a full-length feature. While this 'remake' is loosely based on (and I use the term 'loosely' very 'loosely') the Vincent Price original, even that film relied too heavily on less than impressive 3-D gimmicks for its success (and a half blind director who couldn't even see the effects work mind you). But at least the original still had the overly charismatic Vincent Price, and I could easily watch him act or even apply drywall for 2 hours. Wish I could say the same for Paris Hilton and a cast of expendables.

It all begins as a group of friends traveling to a football game are forced to take a detour and wind up lost in a small town that has a pet store and a wax museum. 'Nuff said?

Look...while the film lacks any kind of solid structure that could even hope to warrant a running time of nearly two hours, I'd be lying if I didn't tell you that the actual reveal of the town's secret isn't even slightly clever... because it is. It's predictable mind you, but still clever nonetheless and I'm willing to give credit where credit is due. I don't want to give too much away for those who may not have seen the film yet. Know that there is a case of childhood trauma, two brothers, the museum and a sleepy town that not a whole lot of people know much about. It's not even on our world travelers Escalade's GPS for god sakes!

So what's my real beef with this film? For starters, it takes a solid hour for things to even get off the ground. Remember a few lines above when I said that the film was about 'a group of friends traveling to a football game are forced to take a detour and wind up lost in a small town that has a pet store and a wax museum?' Well, that's the first hour of the film. That's right. As a matter of fact, at first I thought I was watching a promo for Paris Hilton's latest reality show. Characters utter the words 'That's Hot!' (I guess Paris gave them the OK on that one) and there's even a brief reference to her porn video escapades all of which are totally unnecessary. She's given far too much screen time. It's no wonder I wound up liking the characters that were played up to be the bad guys and disliking the potential victims...They're assholes!

Things pick up when our characters discover a pit of animal carcasses deep within the woods. They decide to split up (wise decision) and the film suddenly becomes interesting...but only for a short while. There are some frightening scenes of captivity (a great scene in the town's movie theatre) and some of the museum's (and town's for that matter) secrets are slowly revealed. Then there's another twenty minutes of Ms. Hilton running around in her bra and panties until she's eventually (but not soon enough) killed. For the record, her much hyped death scene isn't nearly as impressive as advanced word would lead you to believe. Beyond this, the film doesn't pick up again until its final ten minutes of glory, which are completely squashed by a line that appears to have only been inserted to foreshadow a sequel and cheapen even more, what's come before it. (Please god, no!).

We must talk briefly about Ms. Hilton's death scene...and I don't feel as if I'm giving anything away by telling you that she bites the dust here. When the film was originally released to theatres the phrase "See Paris Die!" was used in the films' marketing campaign. Add to this the fact that her death scene was hyped up like it was the best thing since transistor radios. I chose to NOT include a pic of this effect, just in case anyone wants to be surprised by it. But take my word for it, it's not that impressive, and in my opinion was one of the films weakest moments effects wise.

All un-met expectations aside, I have to say that Warner's did a bang up job here with presentation as the film sports a very nice anamorphic transfer and the multiple color schemes are handled quite well. Deep blacks during darker scenes, the eerily lit House of Wax, and the nicely shot outdoor scenes all provide a solid visual contrast. The understated Dolby Digital 5.1 audio track is equally as enjoyable. Not a whole lot happening with the surrounds, but I'd say for a film like this, probably just enough.

Yes there are extras, but they're almost guaranteed to place you in a coma. The most 'substantial' of these is a 27-minute piece in which the brain dead cast (including Ms. Hilton) sit around and watch selected scenes, outtakes and behind-the-scenes footage from the film, offering their (I hesitate to call them this, but...) thoughts. Elisha Cuthbert, Paris Hilton, Jared Padalecki, and Chad Michael Murray sit around like a group of stoned seniors going over their high school yearbook. Within the first few seconds of this piece Paris Hilton is heard asking, "When did we make this film?" - Again, I say, 'nuff said. And if she was kidding (which I doubt is the case) It's just not funny. I'm not trying to be mean, but this is truly a worthless feature, one that looks as if it has been geared towards 13-year-olds. Which is even more confusing because the film is rated R.

Other extras include an alternate opening (which includes an excised death from the film), Wax On: The Design of House of Wax which goes into the construction of the museum and fictional town, A House Built On Wax: The Visual FX of House of Wax explains how CGI and live effects were combined for the films impressive finale, a gag-reel (Paris...is that you?), trailer and a brief segment with one of the films' producers, Joel Silver.

House of Wax is a visually appealing film, has a few standout set pieces (no matter how brief) and is easily one of Dark Castle Entertainment's most ambitious efforts. Had the film been presented as a 20-30 minute short, I probably would have fallen head over heels for it. As it stands now (a 113-minute feature length exercise in tedium) I found myself itching to fast forward to find some juicier bits. Such is life. It tries so desperately to hit the mark and while it's closer than all of Dark Castle's previous efforts combined (House on Haunted Hill, 13 Ghosts, Ghost Ship et al) it's still not quite there yet. Nice try guys, but better luck next time.