I make my bitterness towards modern Hollywood very well known. I hate that only a few decades ago, originality and quality were the buzzwords, whereas now movies are mere vehicles for whatever half-assed "actor" is on the cover of Teen People, or to make yet another garishly colored choking hazard for our children to ram down their throat in a hilariously ironic parody of Hollywood advertisers doing the same by carpet bombing the airwaves with seizure-inducing explosions of light and sound. At least as paramedics arrive, we can be relieved to know that the kids will be wearing clean Underoos, as trends change more often than I write reviews (that’s not saying much) and they don’t want to be caught off guard, lest they become the official first grade model for the swirlie.

So as studio execs nibble on meals approved by the South Beach Diet while on conference calls of a volume rivaling a 7th grader’s slumber party, their primary concern is to how to fit another plasma television into their sauna without crapping out their Feng Shui with a minimum investment on their part. Thus, they dig into the studio vaults to pull out whatever isn’t nailed down or being distributed on DVD by themselves already (don’t want to shoot yourself in the foot, after all) and "remake" it.

This means they take a synopsis of the original film and throw it into the room with 1000 Monkeys Sitting At 1000 Typewriters (which is within driving distance of Industrial Light & Magic), and give the resulting script to some young hipster director with a soul patch and a ravenous appetite for mescaline. After processing the raw footage under the supervision of an editor hopped up on crystal meth and incorporating a soundtrack featuring the hot nu-metal bands of the lunar phase, they’ve got their finished product, ready to take up fifteen screens at the local Cineplex. Yay!

I know, I’m being a grumpy bastard. Can you blame me? The Dawn of the Dead remake opens in a few weeks, Dimension films is busy figuring out how to best mutilate Suspiria, and I just finished watching the original The Haunting. Indeed, watching this masterpiece for the first time in many years has incensed me to no end by reminding me of the massive inferiority of the Liam Neeson/Catherine Zeta-Jones remake. Aside from offering a shot of Owen Wilson getting decapitated (he deserved worse for his involvement in Zoolander), it was completely pointless and offensive. Why one would want to remake a film when the original is this fantastic is beyond me.

1963’s The Haunting introduces us to Dr. John Markway (Richard Johnson, who you may recognize as Dr. Menard from Lucio Fulci’s Zombie) who wants to rent the evil Hill House for psychic research. Hill House, we learn, has quite a history of despair: the house’s original owner lost both of his wives to the house, and many other lives were taken over the 90 years it has stood (all women, interestingly enough. Maybe they should’ve called it Misogynist Manor...). Markway assembles a team of researchers to investigate the house and its ghostly nature: the mousy Nell (Julie Harris, who starred opposite James Dean in East of Eden), the pseudo-homosexual Theo (Claire Bloom, who would later play Hera in Clash of the Titans), and the incorrigible Luke (frequent Al Adamson collaborator Russ Tamblyn). No sooner than they settle in do strange occurrences begin happening: thunderous footsteps, a child’s cries, mysterious cold spots, and a monstrous bulging door. Despite all these paranormal antics, Nell is determined that she belongs at Hill House no matter what.

The Haunting succeeds where so many other films of the period failed by delivering true psychological chills with a minimum of visual "gags" to attempt to cement the terror. In fact, there are almost NO visual frights in the film at all! Instead, Robert Wise’s delirious direction keeps the audience on their toes with some genuinely freaky shots (the swoop from the ivory tower to Nell’s quivering body is genuinely unnerving), coupled with convincing acting from a troupe of seasoned talent make some of the most genuine scares ever seen before, and haven’t been seen since. The scariest part of the movie is how little we are filled in on the "why" of the happenings in the house. The house, we are bluntly informed, was simply "born bad." Sure, we are given some clues as to the reason behind the happenings in the house, but they aren’t tied together and spoon-fed to the audience: we have no option but to come to our own conclusions, which is much more frightening than if we’re having our hands held through a canned explanation that ties everything up in a pretty little bow. We have no choice but to watch Nell’s sanity decay with no explanation besides what we can formulate ourselves. That, dear readers, is much scarier than gallons of gore or CGI.

Warner Bros. DVD release of The Haunting is simply marvelous. Picture quality is amazing, with clean edges, deep blacks that are free of artifacting, and very little print damage. This sucker’s near reference quality, which is important for B&W films. Audio is presented in a monaural mix with no hiss or distortion. Audio is full and clear, except for a few soft spots in Nell’s internal monologues that are very crucial to the story. The special features really are special, including full-length audio commentary from all four of the major players, director Robert Wise, and screenwriter Nelson Gidding. It’s stunning that they could get the involvement of everyone for one of the best commentaries I’ve heard in a while. They talk about the film with such genuine fondness that it put a smile on my face. Besides that, we’re given a collection of trailers, essays, and still galleries that round out the package quite nicely. Hell, if it weren’t for Warner Bros. chintzy cardboard cases, I’d sleep with this thing under my pillow!

Film remakes are like going to see an Elvis impersonator perform live. The hips may still swing, his lip may have the right sneer, but he lacks the magic that the original had. The "vavoom," if you will (haven’t said THAT in a while) that makes things great. Do yourself a favor, and when you see both versions of The Haunting on the shelf, reach for the original. It deserves a spot on your shelf.