“I am the master now and we are going to have... fun!” One-eyed Golden Temple warrior Rina (Lina Romay).

Beginning with “The Erotic Rites of Frankenstein” in 1972, Jess Franco and his partner-in-cinematic-crime Lina Romay have collaborated on some of the more interesting titles in Euro sleaze over the past 30 years. What is most intriguing about this husband and wife team is that they are still producing 1972-style exploitation; never stopping to take a breath or bothering to write a coherent script. Franco usually behind the camera; Lina always in front, naked and preferably covered in blood. One of their more recent ventures, 2001’s “Vampire Junction,” proved that not even increased age or decreased budgets could stop their relentless mix of fractured narrative, excessive nudity and sadistic violence. While watching that incoherent mess (made palatable only through Romay’s bold performance), it was more interesting fantasizing about the movie that they should have made– the behind-the-scenes story of their decades-long working relationship. Imagine the lurid intrigue watching the two icons discuss the filming of the torture scenes in “Ilsa: the Wicked Warden.” Would Lina ask Franco what her motivation should be before urinating on her fellow inmate during the infamous bathroom altercation? What of the curious ghost vampire lesbian sex in “Junction?” Was the shaving of the pubic hair scripted or was it improvised? And why was Lina not a part of that particular moment? ‘Franco darling, I’ll do the three-way with the unattractive ghost vampires, but I draw the line at shaving!’ – Now that’s the direct-to-video entertainment the two of them should be making.

“Golden Temple Amazons,” a Eurocine quickie from 1986, doesn’t have any urination or requisite Franco lesbianism, but several sources claim that Franco only directed certain parts of the film. Another genre vet, Alain Payet, is also cited as director; whoever is responsible, the actual credits list the pseudonym James Gartner. This might explain why much of it feels like kiddie matinee material. Though it contains ample nudity (the topless variety) and sporadic violence, the emphasis here is on tedious adventure trappings. In fact, this film would greatly benefit from a little of that patented Franco sleaze. The main problem with “Amazons” is that, much like Lucio Fulci’s “Conquest,” it’s such a tedious exercise, that only the most hardcore genre enthusiast will be able to endure it.

A jungle missionary stumbles upon a mysterious cave in the Blue Mountains that contains copious amounts of gold. He returns to his jungle cabin with several large nuggets; proclaiming to his wife that that they are now rich. What he doesn’t realize is that the cave is part of a temple, a golden temple of spray painted foil, inhabited by a large harem of Amazon women. The warrior women guard the temple for their ruler Uruk (William Berger) and lord over slaves who mine the caves beneath. The be-wigged, blond Amazons follow the missionary back home and demand that he return the gold or be killed. He doesn’t heed their warning and, days later, he and his wife are shot with poison arrows. His young daughter Liana is spared and grows up in the jungle wild with the help of some goodly animal friends and a local tribe. Years later, a new, aged missionary is sent to the cabin to continue the work of the murdered couple. He finds Liana (Joan Virly aka Franco regular Analia Ivars), now grown and sporting ridiculous Tarzan animal skins. The sympathetic missionary reads to her a handy diary entry explaining what her father found in the temple and the events surrounding her parents’ murder. She immediately vows revenge upon the Amazon women and sets fourth to the Blue Mountains. Along for the trip are her faithful monkey Rocky and bumbling shaman Koukou (Jean-Rene Gossart). (It reads funnier than it plays.) The adventurers soon team up with a group of archeologists who also just happen to be searching for the Golden Temple. Once at their destination, the group are drugged by a mysterious mist and imprisoned by the Amazon women. Before things get too monotonous, groovy, one-eyed henchwoman Rina (Romay –finally!) makes her entrance. She tells the somnambulant Uruk about the prisoners and her (inexplicable) fear that he might make the lovely Liana her successor. Catfights and torture ensue, but only in the most pedestrian ways imaginable.

There are two major areas where “Golden Temple Amazons” fails to meet the admittedly low standards of good Euro sleaze. The first problem is the fractured, dubbed dialogue, which renders every character either insane or mentally retarded. While poor dubbing is certainly expected in an exercise such as this, the random and often inappropriate exchanges go way beyond the usual bad “Godzilla-speak.” The so-bad-it’s-good theory simply does not apply here; the dialogue and line readings are of such a poor nature that it’s distracting. The second area of failure is the aforementioned sleaze factor. There isn’t much of one. If you’re making a film about a harem of topless jungle Amazons, you might as well go all the way. Hector Olivera’s “Barbarian Queen,” released a year prior, at least made good on the promise of sex and violence and proved that “terrible” and “entertaining” were not mutually exclusive. Here, the violence is quite restrained (at least in Euro sleaze terms) and the action set-pieces are some of the worst ever orchestrated. Say what you will about Franco, much of his ‘70’s work was at least visually compelling. “Manuel Merino’s cinematography for “Vampyros Lesbos” and “Eugenie” as well as several other Franco films was truly an artistic endeavor. The photography in “Amazons,” credited to Henry Frogers, is often out of focus and poorly composed. Much of this could be forgiven if there was at least some “Ilsa” – type debauchery to hang on to. Alas, all “Amazons” can produce is tepid torture and some lazy cat fighting. It’s a shame that Lina didn’t insist on some much-needed lesbian sex and a little urination/humiliation.

This DVD package from Shriek Show is a much better production than the film itself deserves. The Anamorphic Widescreen 1.66:1 picture is a little soft, but probably the best it’s ever looked. The Dolby Digital Stereo mix is serviceable; all of the annoying dialogue is crystal clear. Included is a short interview with Eurocine producer Daniel Lasoeur, an “alternate scene” consisting of actress Ivars cavorting with some caged animals, a photo gallery and a few Franco trailers including one for “Amazons.”

Whoever directed this late edition into the “Conan” bandwagon of the early-to-mid ‘80’s, they knew enough to credit a fictional director. If you’re a fan of the genre, and expectations are low, you might consider renting it with the more engaging “Barbarian Queen” for an evening of breasts, bondage and cold steel.

Writer's Note:
True to the nature of European exploitation, "Golden Temple Amazons" contains a credit list that is virtually impossible to validate. Every effort was made to support the review in terms of the actual cast and crew, but this proved rather futile as countless sources site contradictory information. However, Lina Romay does indeed appear to be in the film. (Though I'm no fan, I'm very familiar with her unmistakable scowl).
- James Gartner aka Bradley Harding aka That Snow Ghost