“Evils of the Night” is very much a product of the period in which it was made, post-“Porky’s,” 1984. It’s a lurid mix of teen sexploitation and camp horror that often feels like edited-for-cable porn. The slight plot concerns a group of human-like aliens who land in a sleepy lake town and take over a hospital. Their mission is to round up young humans, ages 16-24, and drain them of their blood (more specifically their blood platelets) which provide the aliens a serum for longevity. The aliens are played by the late John Carradine, Julie Newmar and Tina Louise; a desperate, disparate group of thespians who no doubt spent all of a day on the set for some extra cash. Though they posses nifty rings that work as communicators AND laser weapons, they rely on a couple of bumbling auto mechanics (Aldo Ray and Neville Brand) to collect the young bodies for them.

It’s really sad to see these two elderly actors play such crap roles near the end of their careers. Brand is especially hard to watch during the scenes where he’s required to “menace.” It’s a far cry from his great gonzo work in Tobe Hopper’s “Eaten Alive.” The nearby lake is a gloomy, desolate location that inexplicably draws a large number of randy college kids (certainly not teens). The women are porn-o-liscious ‘80’s vixens with big hair, bigger breasts and skimpy clothes. Their male counterparts are all buff mannequins as well. The first twenty minutes of the film is difficult to endure. There is no sense of place or the slightest bit of character development. “Sexy,” vacuous models (certainly not actors) appear in front of the camera, talk about having sex and drinking beer, then have some sex and drink some beer. Some of them don’t have sex right away, some of them frolic in the muddy lake, while some of them plan to have sex later that night.

It’s hard to imagine that the script, credited to Phillip D. Connors and director Mardi Rustam, was ever more than a series of situations hastily scribbled on a cocktail napkin. The fact that there are a few porn personalities in the cast is neither a surprise nor a bonus. It merely adds to the feeling that maybe this was originally intended to be a very different movie at one point. One where a money shot is something other than a severed arm or drill to the stomach. Mercifully, the models are eventually knocked out by the masked mechanics and taken to the hospital. It should be noted that while the mechanics wear masks to conceal their identities, they also appear in jumpsuits that bare their names. Yes, it’s that kind of movie. Two glam ‘80’s babes wearing ‘50’s era space suits patrol the dark hospital halls. They gurney the beautiful models around the deserted location (when they’re not intimating that they’d rather be off having hot alien/lesbian sex). There must be something about the lake that makes everyone in the vicinity horny, even the alien extras. The models are hooked up to tubes where Louise and Newmar drain them of their blood. All of this nonsense was done just as poorly, and with less silicone, several years earlier in “Invasion of the Blood Framers.”

Back at the lake, more horny models make sex talk and are chased around by the mechanics. Some of them are killed, some of them are simply knocked unconscious. Three of the more annoying models are abducted and taken back to the auto shop. Each is tied to a convenient support beam where they await for the aliens to call and request their presence at the hospital. Why they aren’t taken immediately to the hospital is anyone’s guess. What transpires is a series of clumsy suspense sequences where the models break away, are captured and break away again. It’s tedious viewing even with the added attraction of death by drill, hatchet and laser beam.

“Evils of the Night” is the kind of lazy entertainment that one might watch (and even enjoy) on late night television. Its cast of semi-famous faces keeps the curiosity level high. Newmar looks pretty embarrassed and Carradine’s ridiculous speeches appear edited to mask dialogue mistakes. Of the three of them, Louise seems the most present, but her performance is still underwhelming. This is the same actress who refused to participate in any of the “Gilligan’s Island” reunion shows. Evidently she wanted to make sure her schedule was free for quality productions like “Evils.” Ray (“Bog,” “Don’t Go Near the Park,” etc.) looks tired and even intoxicated at times. His scenes with Brand have an authentic level of shared desperation to them; less acting than simply walking into camera frame. Director Rustam shows a great enthusiasm for lurid sex. The only scenes that have any vitality to them are when the models are in the dark and getting it on. It’s hard to believe after watching this opus that he was never involved with the porn industry. A scene where two buxom blonds sit in a car and talk about sex while tenderly sharing a banana really says it all about the Rustam style of filmmaking. Subtle it’s not.

This is an uninspired DVD release from Shriek Show. So it’s a fitting package for such an uninspired film. The picture image is rather dark and is presented full frame. There doesn’t appear to be much missing from cinematographer Don Stern’s workman-like composition. The Dolby Digital mix is fine, but illuminates several flaws in the original soundtrack. It doesn’t appear that there was much post-production work done on the sound or dialogue. The extras are negligible; a short photo gallery with one-sheet art, the boring trailer (which manages to leave out any mention of the “alien vampires”), and several Shriek Show trailers.

Those craving an ‘80’s camp cocktail of aliens and sexual shenanigans might bypass this title and take in a double feature of “Killer Klowns from Outer Space” and “Hardbodies” instead. Both of those films deliver the requisite amount of alien weirdness and babe flesh without making you feel like you need to take a shower afterwards.