Finally, it's about time that somebody released this 80's horror classic which I've long sought after on DVD. After all, almost every single slab of obscure Euro sleaze has made it to the shelves while this remained atop this horror geek's wish list for years. It's one of those movies you might remember catching on cable at 2 A.M. (it's the kind that the late, late show was made for.) Or perhaps you remember the artwork on the dust-coated box hiding in the corner at your local mom and pop video store. Now, thanks to the folks at Troma, everyone can enjoy the campy fun and unintentional laughs this "lost" sleeper has to offer.

You know from the minute the apparently hand drawn title pops on the screen, complete with clawed letters that would not be out of place on your old skateboard deck or favorite thrash metal album cover, that you're in for a treat.

It's another beautiful, sunny day in peaceful, small town Ravensback. But when a school bus carrying a handful of local children drives through a cloud of toxic fumes let loose by some incompetent workmen at a nearby nuclear power plant, all hell breaks loose. Billy Hart, the town sheriff, stumbles across the bus alongside the road, the engine still running, and completely empty. He mounts a search for the children with the help of John Freemont, the father of one of the missing girls, and some of the other very unmoved residents (it seems no one in Ravensback cares too much about their kids). As the hunt continues, dead bodies start showing up, and panic ensues as the parents fear that their children could be in real danger. Lucky for us, the adults realize far too late that it's in fact their children who are the danger, transformed by radiation into zombified killers (complete with black fingernails to let us know they've become evil), out to destroy everything in their path with their atomic touch.

If there's one thing that The Children is proof of, it's that they really don't make 'em like they used to. A silly premise like radioactive kids melting peoples faces into masses of what looks to be cheese pizza by hugging them would no doubt be turned into some tongue in cheek, self deprecating horror parody these days. But it's played totally straight here; there's not a single bad joke or hokey performance, at least not deliberately. Every death scene is acted with enthusiasm, the actors issuing ear-splitting screams and writhing as if really in pain, attempting to make this as truly terrifying as possible regardless of the goofy yellow smoke billowing off of them. They try to look honestly frightened when one of the monstrous children is lumbering toward them with the blank stare and outstretched arms of a bad Frankenstein impression. No one is fazed by the cheesy makeup effects or absurd plot points, like the idea that the murderous kids can only be destroyed by cutting off their hands. Even the Harry Manfredini soundtrack, much of it recognizable to horror fans from its more memorable use in same year's Friday the 13th, is genuinely scary, setting the tension high with its nerve racking violins. The fact that the cast and crew took such a serious approach to such ridiculous material makes it all the more hilarious. It's the horror movie equivalent of America's Funniest Home Videos; it never would have been as funny if they tried. We end up laughing at the characters, rather than with them, which is always better in my book.

But underneath all the fun and games, it has that very dark, cynical, mean spirited streak that's often found in older genre films, something else you could never get away with today. No one seems as if they can be bothered by the sheriff and his hair-brained search for these kids. In fact, most of them are downright rude and talk to him as if he's a bumbling idiot. It's like the whole town has one big attitude problem. The wealthy bourgeois couple is more concerned with getting high and lounging by the pool than finding their daughter. The deputy can't seem to pull himself away from making out with his teenage girlfriend long enough to actually help out. A pair of local rednecks is placed in charge of setting up a roadblock, but end up getting drunk and ogling said teenage girlfriend rather than protecting anything. To top it all off, John Freemont, seemingly one of our heroes, does nothing but ridicule and berate his very concerned, very pregnant wife the entire time, ordering her to go fetch some coffee when she wants to know what's going on. Plus, you can't have a movie where children are the monsters without killing a couple kids, right? There's no way a young boy taking a point blank blast from a 12-gauge to the chest would make it past the censors in the watered down, PG-13 safe climate of today. My favorite scene, a true testament to days of cinema past, has the pregnant Mrs. Freemont sneaking a cigarette while her husband is out, which after lighting she looks down at her massive lump of a belly and dryly utters, "Sorry."

The only downside to this gem finally making it onto DVD is the treatment of the release itself. Apparently Troma's idea of a "lovingly created, digitally remastered, director's cut version" really means a grainy, sloppily thrown together, full screen release that could, and should, be much better. If this was the only print they could track down from the surviving few, they would have had better luck transferring it from the VHS copy I had dubbed from some old video store. There are film scratches throughout most of the movie, clearing up in only a few spots, and one instance where the whole end of a scene is missing. It's obvious they did nothing more than slap the movie onto a DVD. As far as the extras on this "fully loaded special edition", you get audio commentary from the writer/producer, several short interviews with some cast members, a brief look at The Children: The Musical (I'm not kidding), and then the usual slew of Troma goofball self promotion. It's fantastic that The Children has made it onto DVD at all, but if Troma is as proud about being the ones to release it as the copy on the back cover implies, then maybe they should concentrate less on forcing comedy sketches and commercials on us and more on giving us a quality presentation of the film.