Imagine taking a cursed pirate captain, damned for eternity to walk this world feasting on the blood of the living, and throwing him smack in the middle of the latest crappy ‘reality TV’ show filled with obnoxious plastic twenty-somethings. Sounds like a cool plot for a thrilling & bloody horror film, eh? Unfortunately, the film CROSS BONES just doesn’t quite live up to the hype on the DVD case.

CROSS BONES starts out well enough with the back-story of one Captain “Red Blood” Rodriguez, one of the last pirates to scourge the Caribbean in the mid-1800’s. Seems old Red Blood had quite the temper, and after a botched attack on an island cost him most of his crew, he murdered the rest when they tried to mutiny. Now alone, Red Blood was easily captured by the British navy and tossed in their darkest dungeon to await execution. But the devil looks after his own, and soon the island prison was beset by yellow fever, killing all the guards and allowing Red Blood to escape. Red Blood retrieved his confiscated treasure and buried it on the island before he rowed away to find a ‘proper ship & crew.' Bur misfortune fell on the gnarly captain; he next made landfall on an island inhabited by savages. When the greedy Red Blood interfered in one of their rituals, he was stabbed through the heart. But that wasn’t his end, oh no. The natives cursed him to never know the sweet embrace of Death...until fate provided fresh blood.

In the present day Florida Keys, TV producer Martin prepares for his latest reality blockbuster ‘Paradise Lost’. Six young good-looking lads & lasses stuck on an island for a week without modern conveniences, trying to win 100 grand – his best idea yet. Diva girlfriend Audra doesn’t think so – she only see's a week without shopping. Soon we are on board the yacht taking the cast to the island – six pretty well defined stereotypes; the brooding stud, the party dude, the wanna-be ‘gangsta’ rapper, the all-attitude diva, the dumb blonde, and the gorgeous girl with a brain. Also on board is cameraman and gofer Gus (for comedy relief). Martin takes them to the selected island and lays down the law – no technology, no swimming out to the yacht, no snooping around the production shack, and positively no going to the far side of the isle! There are also cameras and lights set around the island to film them at nearly all times. As the cast gets to work making shelter and gathering food, Gus takes candid shots and has each person describe their strategy to win the money. As one might expect, the cast falls into their standard ‘roles’; Martin urges Gus to foment dissention and racial differences because, of course, “controversy sells” Gus would rather shoot more T&A. After an uneventful first night, the contestants split into up to hunt for food. However, when two of them cross the line on to the forbidden part of the island, they set in motion events where they will become the hunted! Lying in wait for his moment to feast upon the hot blood of the living is... oh, come on. Guess. Then things really start to get out of old Martin boy’s control. Who will survive the resurrection of Red Blood, and what will be left of them?

CROSS BONES had the potential to be a pretty entertaining film, but the script is far too clichéd. The cast is meant to parody the typical reality TV shows, but since their characterizations aren’t pushed to the extreme, they are just as annoying as the real thing. Only Serena and Tony (the two leads) are given some complexity, and thus the only ones we care about – the rest are a visceral thrill to watch die horribly. Red Blood starts out as an interesting character, but once back in the land of the living, becomes confined to the typical ‘evil pirate’ role. The actors have little to distinguish themselves with such a script, but the leads of Red Blood, Serena and Tony are pretty good with what they’re given. It’s a shame the story and characters are such a let down, because technically CROSS BONES is a well crafted and beautifully shot film. The locations are exotic and are more interesting than the cast. The production is shot on film, but uses digital video to mimic the camera Gus uses to shoot the contestants – a clever slant. The direction is a little inconsistent; while most of the shots are well composed, some of the action scenes are badly staged and confusing. Night shooting is similar – the earlier sequences are fine, but latter scenes tend to be shadowed and grainy. The sunsets are spectacular, however. Audio is nice and clear for shooting on location, but the music is nothing special.

Lions Gate has released CROSS BONES with a number of extras. Besides the movie’s trailer and other film previews, there is a short ‘behind-the –scenes’ feature showing audition footage, location scouting, rehearsals and the actual film production. There is a photo gallery that includes additional shots from the filmmaking as well. The DVD also has optional commentary by director/writer Daniel Zirilli that although not making the film better, does make it more interesting.

I’m a big pirate fan – heck, I have a Jolly Roger hanging in my studio. So I was mucho disappointed by CROSS BONES It proves the adage of something sounding good on paper, but the actual results don’t meet expectations. Zirilli hints at a possible sequel involving Red Blood; if he develops the good captain to the fullest potential, then that may be a film I could really sink my teeth into.

My buccaneer pal Cap’n Smiley wanted to add: “Arr, me mateys. CROSS BONES may be a fine lookin’ picture, but dulls yer senses like a becalmed sea. I give it two skulls outta five. But dem wenches sure is fine lookin’.” Uh, thanks, Cap’n....