“Can anyone tell me what the f*ck is going on?”
Frightened Czech Chic in “Choking Hazard” (and bored Monster’s critic).

Every time a new flesh-eating zombie movie is released, George Romero and John Russo should both given some percentage of the profits – at the very least a ‘thank you.’ Let’s face it, they wrote the bible on zombie films with “Night of the Living Dead” and for nearly forty years filmmakers have been cannibalizing their seminal debut. The “Living Dead” zombie archetype is so ingrained in the landscape of horror that it has become unquestioned lore. Let’s think about this for a moment; why would the (add science-gone-awry scenario here) that creates the re-animation of the dead also cause malevolent behavior and an insatiable appetite for human flesh? The premise of the dead coming back to life is rife with hundreds of possibilities; why must all roads lead to Romeroville? What if the living dead actually came back and had some sort of knowledge to impart? What if the afterlife wasn’t exactly what we thought it would be? Any scenario other than the malevolent flesh eater would come as a welcome relief.

In lieu of originality, the zombie subgenre has often veered into comedy. (As if making fun of the conventions that you are so slavishly bound render it any less lazy.) The indie zombie comedy has, inexplicably, become a subgenre unto itself. Romero did quite well with his own satirical take on the subject matter with “Dawn of the Dead” and Russo’s literary sequel “Return of the Living Dead” was turned into one of the sharpest horror/comedy films of the ‘80’s. It’s a shame that the graveyard irony didn’t end in ’85 after “Return.” In the last ten years or so, low-budget (and micro-budget) filmmakers seem obsessed with realizing their own “take” on the Romero zombie mythos; proceeding under the delusion that a comedy guise makes their pop-eating-itself aesthetic any less derivative. Since the critically lauded “Shaun of the Dead” seemed to please both fanboys and the general public, why not agree to let this sub-sub genre die? That way we wont have to sit through tedious indulgences such as “Choking Hazard.”

Presented by the Fangoria International label, “Choking Hazard” is a Chechoslavakian film that feels undeniably American. It begins with a great set-up that is, to use the Hitchcockian term, just a Mcguffin. At a secluded hotel in the deep woods, a small group of people have gathered for a weekend retreat. It’s a philosophical workshop on the meaning of life lead by blind Professor Reinis (Jaroslav Dusek). Each member of the group is introduced through video biographies that they have shot of themselves. The video clips are short, funny vignettes that quickly establish the characters - who are all rather dimensional and semi-interesting for this sort of production. However all seem a bit young and apathetic for a weekend of introspective soul searching. The group is joined by a lost male porn star who at first confuses them with an X-rated film crew (sitcom hilarity ensures). Soon after the group is established “Choking” randomly cuts to a biker riding in the dark woods. He stops to collect a mushroom from the ground (why not?) and is promptly attacked by several zombies in surrounding shallow graves. The curiously well-dressed dead promptly wander over to the hotel and begin terrorizing (and eating, naturally) the various weekend philosophers and hotel employees. What follows is a series of set pieces where the protagonists indulge in violent Scooby Doo-like shenanigans with the undead. ‘Zoinks! There’s a z-z-zombie behind you!'

“Choking” is first and foremost a “fanboy” movie. Which means that it exists solely as a reaction to another film or genre. (Most satirical flesh-eating zombie films easily fall under this category.) A fanboy entertainment doesn’t need to worry much about plot, because everyone involved (audience included) has already seen this film several times. Its main concern is to please “the loyal” with self-indulgent re-workings of themes and characters already established. ‘We’re all just here to pay homage; outsiders be damned.’ “Choking” is in many ways the ultimate kind of fan film in that it doesn’t even bother to establish a story. Aside from the smart character set-up in the beginning (with its promise of existential riffing), it simply cuts to the chase. There is no reason for the re-animation of the dead, they simply appear. Once they ramble onto the scene, no one questions what they are; clearly these are zombies and “woodsman zombies” at that… It’s a wacky reality where the undead must show up rather frequently because all the characters already know the “rules:” bites cause contagion, head trauma kills them. Convenient for the writer (Stepan Kopriva) because he doesn’t have to grapple with pesky exposition and perfectly fine for the undiscriminating viewer. ‘It’s a zombie comedy, man… lighten up!

There are several aspects to “Choking” that make it difficult to dismiss altogether. First, it’s a Czechoslovakian production with subtitles, so it gives the simple story a colorful dimension (though it’s clearly rooted in American culture). Technically it’s very polished with strong camera work and exceptional lighting. Director Marek Dobes has a nice sense of timing and could have a solid career in the comedy genre. The acting is also quite good; especially considering the slight script the cast has been given. Dusek is appropriately deadpan as the blind professor and Jan Dolansky as Verner (the indifferent protagonist) comes across with just the right amount of wiseacre detachment. And actresses Eva Nadazdyova and Anna Fialkova provide some quirky character work as well. Kopriva’s script simply refuses to ground itself at all; hanging its hat on a subtext that is never fully realized. Throughout “Choking” there are tangential philosophical counterpoints to the action, which never amount to much. A group of people grappling with the meaning of life while fighting the living dead isn’t a bad idea for a story. Somebody just needs to write one. It’s very clear that both the writer and director are far more interested in the zombie set pieces. Electrified zombies “dancing” to pop music, people slipping on discarded organs, a bucket of brains used as bait… Some of these bits are genuinely funny, but bits do not a film make. You’ve got to earn that zombie-on-a-treadmill joke in order for it to resonate any further than a slight beer buzz.

The filmmakers also might want to rethink the opening credit sequence. Each actor is shown in a montage of soon-to-be beloved scenes from the movie. It pretty much gives away every set piece in the film; promptly diffusing any element of surprise from the following 85 minutes. “Choking” becomes tedious very early on because of this poor editing decision. It might better serve the production if the montages were saved for the end credits.

This DVD release from Fangoria (and Media Blasters) is a quality package. Technically the film looks great, captured on an anamorphic 2.35:1 presentation. For a DV production, it has a decidedly filmic look and bold color palate. The sound is also strong with a Dolby Digital mix that greatly enhances the action. Special features are limited to a making-of featurette that amounts to little more than a PR piece, a photo gallery and a trailer. There are also a handful of Fangoria International and Shriek Show trailers.

For those just itching for a great hammer-in-the head comedy (one that forgoes the tired zombie schtick), Tobe Hooper’s vastly underrated “Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2” is great fun. It contains all those “funny bits” that fanboys crave, but arrives at them with a smart screenplay and great performances. A prolonged scene at a radio station with Caroline “Stretch” Williams and Bill “Chop Top” Moseley is the kind of absurd, demented fun that “Choking” tries so hard to capture.