I like to think I've had an inoculation against the worst effects of bad movies. After all, when you've paid full price to see Tom Green's Freddy Got Fingered in the theaters, and somehow managed to make it all the way through, you think of yourself as battle-hardened. Hell, one night I watched Mariah Carey's Glitter just for fun, to marvel at its heavy-handedness and unbelievable ineptness. It's the movie watcher's version of "Say Uncle," seeing what will break first: your will or the movie's wicked spell. I have survived many a turkey: multiple Adam Sandler flicks, Manos: The Hands of Fate, Waterworld, The Island of Dr. Moreau, and a cavalcade of other works of cinematic suffering. Every time I made it through, I rose like a phoenix from the ashes, reborn even tougher than before. Of course, eventually you will find something that will find that chink in your armor, attack that flaw, and cause you massive pain. Indeed, Chickboxer was that something.

The second "case" in Tempe Video's Bad Movie Police label, the DVD follows pretty much the same format as the first: a short intro "episode" featuring Officers Mantooth and Dread, who discuss the crimes that the feature has committed, and Tempe's sarcastic retooling of the opening credits. The Bad Movie Police bit is still as fun as ever, with the two women being incredibly cute, indulging in 80's cop show shenanigans, bringing down bad directors with no remorse, and other general bits of sexy fun. I can't fully explain why, but this shtick is great stuff. It's pure fun for the all-too-brief 7 minutes that it lasts. After that, when the feature starts, you're on your own, and it's going to hurt. Bad.

Chickboxer's opening credits alone are excruciating: a pair of pink Converse slowly (and I mean SLOWLY) being laced up to the strains of bad metal. Tempe even engages in a little self-deprecation (they originally distributed this mess) about halfway through. FOUR AND A HALF MINUTES later, Chickboxer begins. We're introduced to two of the most unattractive women on record watching Chickboxer, a superhero show on television. This show inspires our completely unlikable heroine to take up karate lessons from Colt Jackson (who, of course, is black...James Black, that is). Meanwhile, trouble's a-brewing, with the town's mayor being forced into a crime ring by Knuckles and Herb, who are in on a plan to get the mayor thrown out of office and get their puppet put in his place. Of course, our heroine (don't ask me to remember her name, it hurts too much) learns of this plan, and decides to enlist the help of the actress who plays Chickboxer (Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers' Michelle Bauer). Chickboxer tells her to get a life and call the cops (Common sense? Not in THIS movie!), so our heroine decides to take matters into her own hands, and BECOME Chickboxer. Dear sweet God, why?

Unlike the previous "case," Galaxy Of The Dinosaurs (review here) which had is own kitschy charm, there is absolutely NO redeeming value to Chickboxer. EVERYONE in this movie is unlikable, being either whiners, or inept crooks, or just plain lame. There's nothing to laugh at in this supposed comedy, with the exception of a few choice lines ("Put your hormones in a bag!"), and James L. Edwards kickass cardigan sweater. Direction is terrible, with drawn-out scenes of absolutely NOTHING, like the opening credits, and an extended scene of the incredibly ugly karate class (including whatever the hell THIS is) performing snap-kicks over, and over, and over...even the fight scenes are pitiful, with all the fighters displaying the physical prowess of a quadriplegic puppy.

Presentation of this mess even sucks. Picture and audio quality, while decent during the BMP bits, drops south for the feature. This is due to the fact that the movie had to be remastered from a VHS copy. Not exactly a huge problem, as I didn't expect reference quality sexiness from this steaming heap, but it just kinda rubbed salt into the wound. Audio had an irritating pulsing buzz underneath the entire feature, and the picture quality was dismal, in spite of decently solid colors. Extras are plentiful, and pretty entertaining, with behind-the-scenes featurettes (in which NOBODY has anything nice to say about Chickboxer. Surprise surprise) some pretty brutal audio commentary, a trailer, and a still gallery.

I commend Tempe for their presentation of these re-releases. Normally, I wouldn't recommend movies this bad, but the Bad Movie Police wraparound gives it some great value and helps soften the blow quite a bit. Again, if you like testing your strength with crappy movies the way that I like to, there's plenty to like with the Bad Movie Police.