Although 1988 ostensibly marked the sunset of the glorious Teen Sex Comedy era (at least until AMERICAN PIE came along), films of this genre could still employ this fast, loose and carefree style of filmmaking (often referred to as "crap"), once tailored to the drive-in venue in the '70s and early '80s, demoted slightly to the realm of Skinemax and home video in the mid to late '80s, then ultimately consigned in the early '90s to the cultural commode of "USA Up All Night." Thankfully now, thanks to Buena Vista's recent acquisition of Roger Corman's impressive film catalog, films like BEACH BALLS are enjoying a golden renaissance on DVD, thus justly preserving them as landmarks of cinematic achievement. Or something like that.

There are, however, a handful of Philistines who fail to see these Corman re-releases as a bold step toward total cultural enlightenment. Therefore I'd like to use the following paragraphs as a forum to educate the unwashed in the finer points of this storied era, even as it was on the wane before a single frame of this film was exposed. But first, our story:

The epic tale of love, loss and ultimate redemption that is BEACH BALLS finds our hero, Charlie (Philip Paley, aka "Chaka" from LAND OF THE LOST... no kidding), adrift in a sunny, So-Cal teenage wasteland, frustrated at every turn. Not only has his bible-brandishing mom confiscated the wicked rock & roll tapes from his walkman, he's also on probation for driving a stolen car (he maintains his innocence), and financially ill-equipped to attain his two goals in life: acquire the candy-apple-red Gibson SG in the music store window, and play said axe in a heavy-metal band to conquer the heart (or at least the pants) of pointy-faced beach bunny Wendy (Heidi Helmer).

Charlie's New Age surf-geek buddy Scully (Steven Tash, the kid who got electric shocks from Bill Murray in GHOSTBUSTERS) encourages Charlie to take a chance and chat up his dream girl, while making his own moves on Wendy's buxom pal Toni (Amanda Goodwin). Charlie and Wendy hit it off - mostly due to Charlie name-dropping his rocker buddy Keith (Douglas R. Starr), lead singer of phenomenally awful hair band Severed Heads in a Bag (played by Starr's own phenomenally awful hair band, "Dr. Starr," who make Spinal Tap look like Radiohead). Needless to say, Wendi sees their friendship as a means of getting closer to her greasy-chested rock idol. Further complicating matters is the wrath of Wendi's overprotective, muscle-headed lifeguard brother Doug (Tod Bryant), who is himself the secret desire of Charlie's snotty Young Republican sister Kathleen (Leslie Danon).

Charlie is rejected by Wendy, but being a decent guy, settles into "Justafriend" status and focuses his energies on buying that guitar. His master plan to raise the cash (I guess a part-time job was out of the question) involves using his parents' beach house to stage a promotional event showcasing Keith's band for a hotshot music promoter. His only obstacles are his sister, whom his parents have placed in charge while they attend a televangelist's seminar, and an obnoxious mini-gang (the ones who got him in trouble in the first place) who plan on stealing the proceeds from the show to get their pit bull out of the pound. Don't ask why - just revel in the joys of storytelling.

If you still can't see where this is all going, then now would be the ideal time to educate you on the Teen Sex Comedy Rules of Play (TeSCRoP). Below is an abridged version:

Rule 1: The hero or heroine always achieves the dream by the conclusion of Act 3. This achievement may or may not be pursuant to their initial ambition as established in Act 1 (see rule 1-C).

Rule 1-A: A male protagonist need not begin as the typical "Nice Guy" (i.e. civil, honorable and considerate of others' needs). In fact, he can be what is commonly known as a "Shithead." (See THE VAN for a classic example.) However, he must find moral focus by the end of Act 2 (see rule 1-C).

Rule 1-B: Unlike the male, a female protagonist is invariably virtuous, though she may backslide from time to time (see rule 1-C).

Rule 1-C: The hero or heroine may in fact be blinded to their true purpose by physical or material distractions, but will ultimately be freed from these burdens by the end of Act 3.

Rule 2: Tits. (See also New World Pictures Commandments, Number 3.)

Rule 3: Wardrobe standards must focus with laser-like precision on the most idiosyncratic fashion trend occurring during the period of production (e.g. spiral perms, leg warmers, rooster bangs, spandex).

Rule 3-A: The above criteria may be filtered through the mindset of a forty-five-year-old movie executive who follows the edict "The kids seem to like it."

Rule 3-C: Female wardrobe will frequently be removable or otherwise designed to accentuate Rule 2.

Rule 4: Source and/or score music will draw from the most popular musical genres and trends of the period.

Rule 4-A: The same filters may apply from rule 3-A.

Rule 5: The amount of pain inflicted on the audience as a result of implementation of Rules 3 and 4 is inversely proportional to the budget allotted for said aspects. (Example A: If the wardrobe budget is medium to high, or product endorsements are employed, we might see popular labels and brand names; if budget is negligible to low, we get ripped t-shirts and a couple of safety pins. Example B: If the music budget allows for mechanical royalties, we might get Ramones or Go-Go's tunes; if not, we get the creative stylings of Dr. Starr.)

Rule 6: Ass. (See also New World Pictures Commandments, Number 4.)

Rule 7: Antagonists are seldom truly evil; they are either a) stupid; b) misunderstood; c) motivated by a perceived slight that turns out to be a misunderstanding; d) some combination of a, b and/or c.

Rule 8: The amount of sexual perversion or wild behavior displayed in Act 3 by any character other than the protagonist is directly proportional to the prudishness, religious repression or social conservatism said character displays in Acts 1 and 2.

Rule 9: Parents and other authority figures never fully understand our heroes - but they will generally acquire empathy by Act 3, especially if they accidentally get high.

As a living, dynamic document, the TeSCRoP sails on social trends like a feather on the wind, and continues to evolve even today... but these highlights of the genre's strongest tenets should give you a hardy framework on which to base your own cinematic exploration.

But what, you may ask, of BEACH BALLS? Where does it fit on the roadmap of this creative pantheon? Well, views will vary, and in the end are subject to personal taste, but in my opinion, BEACH BALLS ranks on the medium-to-low end of the scale, mainly due to its failure to fully adhere to rules 2 and 6 by showing only fleeting moments of female nudity, achieving no more than a "tee-hee, I saw boobies" titillation coefficient. Without these scenes, BEACH BALLS would, in fact, have lost its coveted R rating - the seal of approval for any film of this type. It does reclaim some high marks by providing a fairly likable protagonist with a not-too-embarrassing haircut, and that counts for a lot.

Buena Vista's DVD presentation doesn't earn any extra points, however. The film is presented in open-matte fullscreen (always a risk of boom mike action, although I didn't spot any), and the print is a bit dirty in spots. The 2.0 stereo track is serviceable and clear, which unfortunately accentuates the uber-suction of Starr's "musical numbers." (My favorite lyric is "Nine O'clock and it's time to rock!" Although I always thought the correct time to rock was "Party O'clock," or perhaps "Quarter to Groove." Are they talking about Pacific Daylight Time?) Special features include the following: "Play Movie." I presume "Don't Play Movie" is also an option, though it's not actually on the menu. Putting in the disc will trigger auto-play anyway, so that button is kind of redundant.

In conclusion, if you really miss this innocent-yet-naughty bygone era of disposable goofiness, pick up a copy of BEACH BALLS - you can probably buy it with a six-pack of PBR for a ten-spot and still get change back. If you are thinking of studying the TeSCRoP for the first time, perhaps even apprenticing under one of the few surviving Sensei, think of this as the beginner's course. Test the waters. Smell the sunscreen. Then, when you're ready, move upward to true landmarks of the genre, like SUMMER CAMP, JOY STICKS or MALIBU BEACH... until you reach the pinnacle of enlightenment: REVENGE OF THE CHEERLEADERS.

I believe it was Corman himself who said: "Many are called. Few are chosen."