A remake in name only, Tobe Hooper's re-imagining of The Toolbox Murders, isn't poised to make you nearly as angry as some of Hollywood's 'other' recent retreads. Being a fan of Hooper's work, including some of his underrated cinematic gems like Lifeforce, Invaders from Mars and Eaten Alive, I was willing to give The Toolbox Murders the good old college try. I have to be honest though, I haven't exactly been keeping up with Hooper's direct to video track record recently, so I really didn't know what I was in store for. Buzz around The Toolbox Murders has been quite positive, so expectations may have been set slightly higher than usual on my end.

Hooper's version shares very little in common with the original, other than the fact that the story takes place in an apartment building, and someone is indeed running around, grossly misusing a set of power tools. Angela Bettis stars as Nell, a young woman who with her doctor type husband, moves into the Lusman Arms, a shithole of an apartment building that is apparently going through renovations (hence the shithole-ness of the place). But hey, at least they have a doorman, right?

So that's pretty much it for the story, and no, I am really not kidding you. OK, maybe there is a bit more to it than that. You've got an apartment building full of crazy out of work actors (this is LA after all), and I'm sure they all have a purpose being here, right? Then there's some guy running around murdering people with hammers and nail guns, and another subplot that has something to do with the building being cursed, hence this guys penchant for his oh so wrong use of power tools.

The thing about The Toolbox Murders is that it's atmospheric and sloppy all at the same time. The film itself is actually quite striking visually and a real pleasure to look at. I'm sure that it won't be long before I'm sick of this retro 70's look that's being used in just about every horror film being released recently, but I certainly dug it here. If nothing else, Hooper has made a horror flick, that looks like a horror flick, and NOT a glossed over Hollywood PG-13 SCREAM-fest. Then, the actors have to go and open their mouths and fuck the whole thing up.

The apartment complex used here is very cool and creepy, if anything, Hooper has made excellent use of his locations, but the script and story really do suck. I mean, there really is no purpose here, there's a whole lotta nothing going on, and it seems to take a hell of a long time to actually get to wherever it is we're supposed to be going. Sure, this may be one of the best films Hooper has made in quite some time, but is that really saying much?

Look, I'm no horror flick elitist, y'all know that. I like my horror flicks served many ways, and style over substance is something that I've never been adverse to. Really, the main issue I had here, is that other than the fact that the film looks cool, and there are a couple of horrific set pieces, the flick really has nothing else going for it. Performances, while definitely better than your average low budget horror flick are just blah. I mean, it was great to see Sherri Moon strutting herself in the opening scene, and Angela Bettis is a new found favorite of mine, but there just seemed to be a lot of wasted potential here. These characters were there, just to be there. The tenants filled the rooms, and made great victims, but other than that, really served no purpose.

Needless to say that I could have done without the whole supernatural element as well. It almost feels as if we are watching two separate films here. While, Nell (Bettis, in case you've forgotten) is trying to get to the bottom of the weird symbols on every floor of the complex, there's this guy going around killing people. Sure, there's an attempt at an explanation towards the tail end, but I sure as hell wasn't buying it, and to be honest, I don't even think I cared at that point anyway. With such a cold gritty feeling to the building, and a decent mood hat had been set, I think Hooper's film would have been much more effective if it had remained grounded in reality.

The other problem that I had with the flick was the overuse of false scares and a soundtrack that was far scarier than the actual film itself. Each and every time someone or something enters the frame (that is s'posed to be scary) the sound effects track jumps about 5 notches up in volume, and an ear piercing shriek bounces everyone out of their chairs. Yeah, loud noises are scary, mission accomplished. There is virtually no tension, and none of the scares are genuine, which is unfortunate.

Bottom line here is that The Toolbox Murders plays its part well; it's all dressed up with nowhere to go. Looks can be really deceiving, so be warned. You're getting a flick that has the appearance of a slick 70's throwback with about as much entertainment value as your typical, direct-to-video Saturday night rental, nothing more and nothing less. Despite what you may have heard, it's subpar at best.

Thumbs Sideways What else can I say that hasn't already been said?