Where does one begin with a film like Chronicle of Corpses. Apparently this film is on many top ten best of lists, and played the Philly Fest last year with such a good response that they decided to bring it back. My only question is, were these people watching the same film as me?

Taking place in the 19th century we're "introduced" to a family living in this huge mansion. I'd like to tell you a bit about these people but i still have no idea who they were. These characters were so underdeveloped they should have been put back in for a while longer, cause they weren't done yet. I didn't know who they were, and I didn't give a rats ass about them. All I did know about them is that they never switched outfits. I guess the filmmakers could only afford a certain number of costume rentals from Pierre's. Anyway, to make a long story short, some bald chick who I guess is supposed to be a ghost is going around killing them one by one, whatever.

Now, let's talk about the acting which was so piss poor, but I suspect it was done on purpose. The director obviously made a "stylistic" choice by having the actors stare into space and recite their lines monotone with no feeling whatsoever. This movie ran 83 minutes? Someone forgot to carry over the 1 because it felt like 183 minutes. It was unbearable to sit there and watch an actress stare at a crack in the ceiling saying stuff like "August is the saddest time of year, look at the leaves outside, blah blah blah", and then she'd drop dead for no apparent reason, what the fuck?

If I had to pull something positive out of this experience it would have to be the camera movement. Editing was minimal and there were a lot of long shots in which action taking place off camera would slowly make its way into frame, all in one shot. These shots were most impressive, but not enough to save this dull wrist slitter of a film. Now I understand why people commit suicide.

I liked Michael's idea better based on the title. A bunch of dead people working at a newspaper called The Chronicle. Starring Sandra Bullock as Corpse #3. Think about it, she wouldn't even need any makeup, now that's cost-effective filmmaking! The bottom line is this. I would rather have my testicles chewed off by rabid raccoons then to ever have to sit through this film again. Worth mentioning (for comedic value only) is the equally excruciatingly painful short film Soulmate, that played before the film. During this 14 minute presentation we got to watch a perverted old woman watch her young male tenant take a shower. Well, Michael seemed to enjoy the male full frontal nudity anyway.

This thumb is so far down, it's touching China!